what is this inexplicable mood?
i'm really angry and sad these days. i can't identify where exactly this awful anguish is coming from. i've turned over the different possibilities in my mind and damnit.
i hate thinking and reflecting about some of that shit. i know it's not all about my not-so devastating history or the uncertain future or this shaky, stumbling present, but a lot of that is making me cringe and want to bite through my lip so i can actually feel something.
because today, tasting blood makes sense to me. hot coursing salty dark blood flowing off my chin and pooling into a grand mess down my legs and between my toes onto fake cobblestone. let me shiver uncontrollably and laugh at people w/ horror stricken faces.
this pain is probably a combination of different things, but there's a depth and a familiarity about this that frightens me.
maybe i just need to step back and take deep breaths and scream it out, but i feel like i'm in a cage
or i've been re-caged
or maybe i've walked right into a cage and locked myself in w/o thinking about it
but!
am i thinking at all these days?
i am a robot. i have no free agency. i do not know how to make anything happen in the world.
i am a random speck getting tossed and flipped and churned.
how awful this feels. i feel like don't have have control over anything. not even these dumb emotions.
ugh. i'm speaking in metaphors, but i have no idea how else to articulate these awful grandiose, self-agonizing sentiments.
God. i'm whining.
something i know for sure is that there has been a physical pain in the middle of my chest that probably has nothing to do w/ the lung cancer that is likely to be sprouting there.
i know it's not my period. i have no idea what the fuck is wrong w/ me. there are no good explanations.
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