the beginning of the goodbyes

whoa. it's been quite a week, and it's only Wednesday night...
in about 5 hours, one of my close friends in Korea is going to be leaving. 24 hours after that, another one will also be departing the peninsula.

this past weekend, the group--pretty much the only people i actually care about in this country--all spent time together as a final hurrah. there was much laughter and food and a generalized giddiness among everyone. but it hurt to smile.
all of the grief and uncertainties that i've been bemoaning were finally coming to fore, and it really sucked. i'm usually pretty good about just smiling it off and cracking a few jokes and holding hands and etc etc. i had a responsibility to be upbeat. but i just couldn't do it whole-heartedly and i know that it was noticable. the heaviness was on my face.
i got a few sidelong glances and a silently mouthed 'are you ok?'. and then a, "Mary, why are you so quiet?"
ugh.
attitude often will follow behavior and so i tried to perk up. but the more i tried to act happy, the more my insides twisted. i just can't be happy and fun and excited all the time.
i just needed to be sad. to let myself feel sad and let the pain come to surface and spill over.
and it did on Monday night. in a rush of tears and physical discomfort, deep deep in my stomach. but there was still a terrible ache. at that point, i couldn't even put into words what it was all about.

i could've cited all kinds of reasons for why i felt this way. and some of those reasons are valid and quite understandable, but it was more than that. a confusing combination of things.
sometimes i wonder if i just come off ditzy to people b/c i laugh loud, belly-aching laughter. i say inappropriate things at inappropriate times--loving to slightly disturb people. i will incessantly tease in a light-hearted manner. sometimes i'll just say dumb things to make people smile, but then i feel like i'm coming off as stupid.

the inauthenticity of my smiles recently have been wearing and making me question who i really am. what i really feel. i wonder if i can actually be accepted--shitty moods and all. i wonder if my episodic depressions have driven people away from me. my ex in particular.
and then i worry about how that affects my current relationships. or how it will affect my future ones.

is it acceptable to cry? to whine at times? to have the bad habit of exhaustive rumination b/c i'm sometimes psycho and can't pull out of the downward spin?

but fuck. isn't that life? isn't that what relationships are about? shouldn't we extend grace to people that we love? listen when they're sad and out of sorts or just being crazy? when they're unable to step back from the microscope? when they're overwhelmed by the micro-situations or the macro unanswerables?

or, is that really too much to ask of people? i hate to be a burden. i know how burdensome it is to be around a depressed person whose vision gets blurry every time the silver lining is waved in front of their faces.
maybe what i'm wondering is: am i worth it? am i worthy of this extension of care?
i certainly wasn't worth it to my ex.

this pondering is unreasonable and useless, but i know i've uncovered part of why i've been feeling so pained lately.
i had what i thought was a 'home' for years. my 'safe place' that i could always to flee to. now that this has been pulled away from me, my displacement is all the more daunting and making me want to run. i've mentioned that the ones that i've gotten a chance to get near to are all leaving Korea w/in a year. it makes me want to figure out what the hell my next move is going to be. i want to flee the discomfort of these separations and forge a new path to avoid it all.
ugh. how ugly it is to actually pen that down, but i know that this is part of what's causing all of this roiling emotion. so at least i understand some of all of this.

i talked to my mom, and she wants me to stay here in Korea. both of my parents tell me they want me to learn the language and the culture. but, i have the seeping, creeping suspicion that they also want me to find a Korean man to settle down w/. this is *such* nonsense.
to curb some of those hopeful expectations, i told her that this is not even a remote possibility. i have too many issues w/ the Korean tenets of feminine submissiveness. that is not me, and i really don't think i could stomach interacting w/ men that way. Korean men (actually most men) will never be attracted to my personality. i'm too pushy and excitable and opinionated.my nearest are those that are fierce and strong and can handle my storms. and they have their own at times. this is a digression.

a few friends have suggested that my pissiness was due to the fact that i have gotten to the half-way point of my contract--the point where many people begin having impatient, itchy stirrings b/c they're actually feeling the oppressive thumb of these Korean employers. i'm sure this is part of it too.

my heart was feeling tight and explosive when my girlfriend from Chicago randomly found me online yesterday. she said two things that actually caused my muscles to begin to unclench: "you know you always have a home if you come back here" and "He's definitely w/ you today, and no matter where you go"

four hours of sleep until i say goodbye to Denise. 9 hours of work and then dinner w/ Dan so that we can begin to say goodbye to him as well. i'm trying not to feel too sad.

and then another night,
another day of work...
and then finally, the weekend.