reflections after a weekend

many many things can happen in the space of 72 hours.

i am certainly a fallible creature and have been shaking my head about my indiscretions over the past weekend. however, i made some good decisions--well, one in particular. it did not cancel out the host of slightly unhealthy decisions that i had made, but it didn't turn a scandalous decision into a colossal, tragic mistake. i promised myself in the past year that i *wouldn't* such-and-such, and for once, i did not.
whew. maybe i'm growing a little? possible.

so, this time around, after having stumbled and made a few errors, i won't fall into the self-deprecating annoyance that i always fall into. this is new. this is good.

anyway, enough w/ the veiled comments--i know how irritating it must be to read enigmatic statements about scandal w/o a more thorough description. i've just realized that maybe i need to keep some of this stuff to myself, lest i remind myself how often i fall into the same muddy pit.
what's the use of endlessly recounting what that dirty stain looks like? i need to record those stories in a more appropriate forum--maybe in the tell-all book about what my life has been like, about, etc from before and in the last year. (who would read about this? who knows? me?)
but, it's been quite an amazing year, and i'm excited about where i'm at. i feel *good*.

about a week ago, i was talking w/ a friend about some of the above (and below) thoughts. she marveled that it has only been a little over a year since my life was fucking shattered and splintered into an unknowable mess. i've had a many highs and many many lows during that period. but i finally feel that i have hit an equilibrium. i feel that i've settled down a lot w/ myself and where i'm at--in geography and in life.

i think i've discovered that i'm a likable person?
not perfect by any means, but i like to laugh and hear people's stories and make people happy. i think i'm pretty good at forming real bonds and connections w/ anyone who's amenable to that.

although, meeting people in Korea has been somewhat difficult.
the ex-pats are super young or like to party a little too hard (which i'm prone to slip into if i'm not careful). bottom line, there's just not a commonality of interests and these kids are just at a different place in life. i've been there and i didn't like it. i was fairly discontent and didn't actively pursue things. i'm still working on that, but i'm beginning to find things that i absolutely love to do.

so, how to find the 'quality' of people that there is a commonality of interests and like-mindedness? i think that there really isn't a formula. i think it's simply--just get out there as *much* as possible. try everything. taste touch feel smell fumble around with everything.
i was doing this for the past few months (when i wasn't busy w/ everything else). most people actually sucked pretty bad, but, eventually i met a soulmate here and there. finding people who match w/ you that you can really connect w/ is an incredible blessing and feat. it only comes w/ time and patience.

i've also realized how much i love hiking. i love the burn of my muscles and the sweat that forms on my body and face. i love looking at landscapes from high above and seeing how enormous, yet how strangely small the world is. this feels good. it feels healthy.

i also love singlehood, though my body resists this. i love not having to answer to anyone. i'm running out to meet people almost every night this week and weekend--(admittedly, this is a little exhausting)--but i'm investing in people i'm actually interested in. i can do whatever i damn well please. i love that i can stay out until any hour i feel like, and then crash at a jimjilbahng in the middle of the early morning hours. i'm accountable only to myself, and now that i'm beginning to like myself, this too feels good and healthy.

though there is the other side of it.
one of the things i miss most about being w/ a significant other is the time spent around sleep. falling asleep while being pulled in close; an arm around my body. then being awoken to warm kisses on my neck.
being touched is nice. after having tasted it a few times of late, my body craves the closeness.
but is it worth losing this newfound freedom?