of Today

about 2 weeks ago, i had a bit of a sorrowful cry. one of my closest friends was leaving my side of the world and though i expected to see her again, my heart ached.

this summer was anything but stable to me, but having her around brought a measure of grounding. this was not an ever present or prevailing thought that occurred to me while she was around, but her presence reminded me of revelations i had experienced a year ago.
the thing about revelations at the age of 30 is that they just don't seem new anymore. just lessons that are relearned. and you just end up feeling like a dumb ass b/c you realize you've lost focus yet again.

life is good.
this has been true all along, and i've had joyful sparkles and flashes throughout the past few months, years, etc--but living in contentment for me was always tenuous and faltering.

this time
i'm not doing surgery on myself, but i've decided to surrender my will. i cannot have full control over my destiny. paradoxically, this makes my life's journey is so much more clear and simple.
now, this is not to say that i won't vacillate nor commit some of the same fuck-ups. this is not to say that the cycling emotional traps aren't still laid out in land mine fashion as they were before.
but, this is to say that my life path does not have to be dictated by me and i don't have to live in such a harried, anxious state of what's to come. release.
in Korean, the expression goes: my heart has become loosened, untangled.

how do i know that things are different this time?
b/c this peace has been coupled w/ action. i am proactively making the choice to stop certain stupidities. i am choosing to let go and allow myself to more fully experience the blessing of today.
who cares that it's taken me this long? no more yesterday (for today anyway). no more tomorrow. no more ecclesiastical sorrows about the meaninglessness of all of it. just today! this day is grand.

i am happy to live and sing and be in this skin
i am thrilled that i don't have to answer to anyone about this
this is Mine
let me declare that
the air tastes delicious on my tongue
the fall is coming! it's coming! my favorite season
i am Loved and i deeply deeply love
i feel rested--my headaches have been disappearing--how fleeting this has been since i can remember
the sun feels amazing and the beads of sweat on my upper lip are welcome
my eyes have beheld some of the most common sights
but i've experienced them as amazing
i feel alive and healthy and have energy
i love being in this skin
i am blessed that i can be happy
that i can enjoy today
i am so grateful