discomfort inside the insides.
oh how troubling--the pain, the repeated mistakes, the dizzying confusion
self-loathing.
these cycles; they tumble and trip and shatter bone and gash the surface, laying open skin.
the rotting mass. exposed.
inexpert eyes stare blankly at the fetid mess
needle and twine
fumbling fingers
piercing scaly skin
closing up the growing infection upon itself
maybe it'll get better if i just leave it alone?
no longer. i can't do this fucked up surgery on myself anymore.
i won't.
i will watch the sun setting and then rise again
rising again
i will feast on this one breath
remembering what it means to be grateful
remembering the Grace that keeps my heart beating--though sometimes i wish it would falter
but knowing that these days
this one today..
i can be in Love
i don't have to try so damn hard
holding on so tightly with my poisoned arms around my poisoned chest
this only keeps this poison in
this one Today
letting go of desire
letting go of my preconceptions of purpose and direction
letting go of self-mutilation and control
letting go of mistakes
this breath that enters my lungs and diffuses into aveoli
this is enough for today
a measure of peace
enough to weigh these lids down
for hope
for rest
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