pressing reset. again.

hrumph. well, again. another 72 hours, another sordid story about the problematic choices one might make when muddling through the murky waters of this adult life.

i'm not feeling annoyed w/ myself, though maybe i should. it's mysterious how one falls into these same cycles. i feel like i'm making the same kinds of decisions i made 10 years go.
though i am older and wiser and can have a better perspective about myself as a single woman in this soju soaked city, i desperately need to find better, healthier outlets for myself.

the last handful of times i've gone out, i've been propositioned to go to a motel or go home by @ least one or two men. i find this very mysterious for several reasons.
i am certainly not the prettiest thing in the world, nor do i dress in an overly sexual manner. if anything, i've taken to the baggier style of Korean dress that hides my body, rather than flaunts it. i have no idea what i'm putting out there that would intimate that i would have any sort of interest in a slutty night of gratification.
of course, i have not gone home w/ any of these lackluster men, despite the fact that they are often pretty good-looking and have sometimes been charming up until the point that this request exits their mouths.

when i was single, a decade back, i don't remember the scene to be so crass. i did go home w/ different men, or had them over @ my place, but i never actually slept w/ any of them. but, i remember how dirty that film of misguided decisions felt. there was the paradoxical feeling of wanting them to stay and wanting them to get the hell out of my face. there were actually a few that wanted to continue the relationships after the sun came back up, but i was always too disgusted w/ myself--and them, to want to.

i've been extemporizing about how i like single life and the wonderful things that come along w/ it. however, swimming against the current of this swirling drain isn't easy, particularly after you've allowed yourself to idle towards the middle. it's twice as much work to get back to the edge of the sink and pull yourself out.
let me ennumerate the pros of singlehood so i don't forget:
i'm investing in myself (hiking, acting, writing, reading, smiling)
i'm investing in others--new friends, new activities, funfunfun
i like myself and my emotions aren't so erratic when i'm single
i can do whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want, and i answer to *nobody*
my self is getting better rounded and developed
i'm crying less and laughing a whole lot more

this appears to be a no-brainer.
i hope i don't prove myself to be a dog returning to its vomit.