the tangles of midweek

here are some random thoughts about nothing in particular:

you've heard the classical cases of the psych grad student who self-diagnoses him/herself w/ every manner of clinical disorder. i think i've come to terms w/ the episodic Major Depression i experience once/twice a year. yikes. and i know it's in the clinically relevant range.
BUT, my near euphoria is making me wonder if i should actually be diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, or possibly Cyclothymia. i think i might be a little Hypomanic right now. could be.
or maybe i'm just living in the freedom that comes from finally shutting doors on things that were leading to certain death. that can put a girl into a good mood as well.

friendships. how strange they can be. you love and then you're irritated. you feel like you've said too much, become too vulnerable--but then you realize you would give your life for those people. when you meet someone you really connect w/, it's this enormous blessing. i've met a few people in the past few months that i hope will be a part of my life for the duration of my life. one in particular has a complicated past that clashes extremely w/ my complicated past. but, i don't believe in coincidence.
God, You're crazy odd sometimes.

i've been somewhat obsessive about food and weight for the past 2 months, but when i stopped caring about it 2 weeks ago, i lost about 2Kg. go figure.
i just nibbled down 2 of those delicious Ferrero Rocher chocolates i 'won' from my girlfriend's 30th birthday party. i had an absolutely unfair advantage in that birthday game. afterall, we're close enough that she always wraps her super smooth legs around me whenever i'm laying down. her fingers always seems to interlock w/ mine when we walk together. her affection is quite forthcoming--almost demandingly instinctual for those she cares about. anyway, the chocolates were yummy and i will remain feeling guilt-free. for today.

i've been wondering about myself these days. there are certain people in my life that are really testing my patience. i've been having these moments w/ these two very different women in very different contexts. i want to believe that i'm a loving person, but when i get served the backhand w/ a spiteful comment or a bitingly selfish action, i get super frustrated. i end up talking shit, or serving one back. generally pretty subtly. it's a little passive-aggressive. this disturbs me about myself. sigh. i'm a work in progress, i suppose.

men and women. Korean culture. being 30. these things are odd and confusing at times. i'm a very straight-to-the-point kind of gal, so when i'm met w/ what i perceive to be flirtation, followed w/ with very 'friend'ly behavior, i'm not sure what to make of it. why can't people just be *clear*? there are always risks involved when flirting w/ someone, but in the end, isn't it better to just go on a date and see if there's any chemistry? if there's none, let's skip the awkward sex and just connect as friends. can men and women be close close friends at this age? i certainly hope so. but i think it's unusual, and fraught w/ complications.
ha! you grow up thinking that adults have it together, but inevitably you realize: no one seems to know what the hell they're doing. people overthink things, make up their own dumbass rules about nothing, and then break them all. it's lame.

so, one-forty-one in the AM and i'm actually feeling tired at this decent hour. i'm going to do a little reading and then sleep on these things. good night.