i'm writing this in a state of jet lag and a deep cut on my right index finger so i suspect that my thoughts will meander to and fro. forgive me.
after 16 hours of traveling, 2 hours of laundry, and then about 10 hours of running around and catching up w/ friends, i found myself walking alone through the dewy night walkways of Yonsei University yet again. i felt a strange, but great wondrous relief to be "home".
i guess home is where all of my stuff is at. but, it's more than that. there is all kinds of displacement that plagues my sensibilities about where "home" is, but, just before i left for Ireland, my little brother--who is still living in Chicago--just told me that he's thinking of leaving the family home base.
so, i guess "home" is wherever i can place my bags and find a little bit of love. this causes me a bit of a melancholy and panicky feeling, but, also some excitement at the same time. i've said that often, but here it is again. i guess i just need to wear in this pair of jeans b/c i think these actually might be my perfect pair of everyday jeans.
leaving on this trip was strange and miraculous at the same time. i cannot believe that just a year ago, i had been planning a trip to Southern Illinois w/ my ex. the long road trip to a wedding that ended in a horrendous 5 hour drive home--going 90 miles an hour, weeping at the wheel. i can't believe i didn't accidentally drive off the road that day.
this was 51 weeks ago.
so much has happened since then. how cliche to say that it feels like a lifetime ago, but it was. hell. from hell and back and numerous bizarre side trips into the wilderness of seemingly haphazard choices. but they weren't. i know that God brought me here. i have done many things in a not so "Christian-like" manner, but i feel closer to God these days than i have in years. maybe this is b/c i have no choice but to rely on Him in a more authentic way, despite any of my questionable actions.
i don't know... all i know is that God wants me to be happy. i know that following His standards work in an ideal sense. and even in an un-ideal sense. but i believe that my interpretation of His standards has been pretty limited b/c of the culture i was brought up in. the "churched" culture that kept me understanding things in a certain way.
but i've been realizing how BIG God is. and how *beyond* my understanding. seeing more of the world and living in a different part of the world has helped me to break free from some of those ways of thinking. i know that this might sound like God is inconsistent, but i'm coming to understand just how solid He is and how frail and inconsistent my personhood is. my heart and mind changes as swiftly as a piece of ash that falls off my smoke and drifts on the loud sound currents of my speakers. (my iPod's on random shuffle right now. this is fun.)
i find it lovely that i traveled for hours on end to get to an island in the middle of everywhere. that i ran around a few random cities and saw mountains and crazy landscapes and bodies of water that my eyes have never before beheld. that i touched life w/ an old friend and held hands and met lips w/ a lover of mine. what does this all mean? hell if i know.
all i know is that i'm still young and still kinda pretty and my eyes can still see, my ears can still hear, my legs can still shake in the forward motion, and my heartbeat can still quicken in the face of beauty. these moments are all astounding blessings that God has granted to me as i've stomped my path on this rock.
i'm trying to write now b/c i know that in a week's time i'm going to freak out b/c i won't be able to hold a cigarette above my keyboard while i type. i'll probably have to stop typing b/c i'll be so pissed about it all.
i guess i'll talk more generally about my trip for now b/c i don't have the fortitude nor enough formulation power in my brain to keep it all together... things were interesting... and great? and fun... all regressive in a lot of ways, but maybe this is what i'm made of anyway? regression isn't all that bad as long as you don't lose yourself? i'm really hungry for the experience of travel and seeing the world. i want to soak it all in and feel it ALL.
some random snapshots of some things that come to mind--there are too many to give it justice, however:
sweet, funny, covert kisses in a hostel bunk; feeling slightly guilty that this might've been making others feel uncomfortable
feeling warm as i stared at an unfathomable vast valley of stone walls and florescent greenness
the bluest waves running hard, splashing into craggy rock
stumbling across the ruins of a castle in the middle of nowhere
the crooked limestone competing w/ the grand tufts of everywhere grasses
the pale blue moonlight falling across my vision in the hostel through an open sky light
spattering rain against the side bus windows while lying across a backseat, shushing lips
a moment of dizziness as i stared over the edge of the Cliffs of Moher into the ocean--so high above the soaring seagulls that they looked like little white flecks dancing in the wind
the racing clouds that quickly dictated the sunnyness or rainyness of the moment to moment to moment
No comments:
Post a Comment