commentary about the femme

growing up in a Korean American home w/ two brothers, i experienced much tension in figuring out my female identity. my 엄마 was/is an amazing hard-working Korean immigrant woman; she ground garlic by hand, made huge glass jars of kimchi, and ran the household by the clockwork in her brain. every morning for at least 15 years, she cooked breakfast and a reheatable dinner before she left for an 11 hour shift to the any mart that she and my 아빠 owned.
her picture of a correctly operating household had these intense gender specific rules. a woman really needed to 'know her place'. she needed to be able to cook a feast, serve her men, not speak back or raise any objections, and then wash the dishes afterwards. and of course, she expected me to know my place as well.
this did not bode well. i would scowl while i served, talked back when i was right, and raised hell about things that did not make sense to me.
while i washed the dishes.

basically, i'm saying that i was bitchy and rebellious and had something to prove. not only did i develop a disdain for men and the oppressive male-dominant Korean culture, i also developed a disdain for women. these constructs of the submissive, simpering, Stepford women were jammed into my face and smothered me into angry tears. it disgusted me.
i'll admit, sometimes i secretly wanted to play Barbies and My Little Ponies, but we were too poor to afford them. plus, the feminine was inter-laden into those toys and i didn't want those associations. i was absolutely determined to never be 'girlie'.

i hung out w/ my 오빠 and all of his male friends throughout childhood. i had a few female friends, but it always seemed to get so ~complicated~. boys just wanted to play. the running around and the scraped knees and the skateboards and the martial arts. i wanted to be a tough bad ass like the boys.
when my brothers went in to start TaeKwonDo classes, i begged my parents to let me join as well. they wavered and hesitated, but eventually, they gave in as i rationally laid out my arguments. there are a world of those big bad boys out there. they might try to take advantage of a little girl like me. i need to be able to protect myself, right?
i think the prospect of preserving my chastity superseded their concerns about my tomboyish inclinations. the TaeKwonDo place converted their storage area into a girl's changing room b/c i joined. a few other girls came into class after this ground-breaking move.

anyway, as a girl, other girls made me crazy. there always seemed to be this underlying game--this quiet, jealous fight to be... i dunno--the most feminine? the most desirable? the most... something?
i never wanted to play, but young girls don't really have a choice of whether or not they want to be a player. the social dynamics fill up the space around you and you just end up responding b/c you're not sure what other options you have.
and as it is w/ most games, you want to win.

but, friendships w/ guys eventually got complicated as well. you think you're buddies. you've seen each other knee deep in swamps and climbing trees and building forts and playing football. but then there is this imperceptible shift in the energies, and getting tackled in the snow doesn't feel as innocent anymore. that subtle shift ends up coloring every interaction.
and suddenly, those bullshit complicated feelings get involved.

though i think that deep platonic friendships w/ the opposite sex can certainly exist, there is always the possibility of that delicious swirling chemistry to fuck it all up. sadly, this has deteriorated a number of male friendships i have had throughout my life.

i remember i had a girl friend in grade school who was sweet and pretty and we connected on a seemingly deeper level. this was astounding to me b/c most girls annoyed the hell out of me. our friendship continued and strengthened into high school. but, of course, a boy got involved, and our relationship tattered; those shredded pieces flew away on currents of frustration and feelings of betrayal.
the boy is absolutely inconsequential at this point, and was fairly insignificant even at the time (worst kisser of my life actually). but, when she began dating him a week after i broke up w/ him, i couldn't handle her disloyalty. it was that fucking game. i knew she wasn't interested in him as a person. her interest was piqued, simply b/c i had dated him.
and she wondered if she could get him.
and of course she could. c'mon. isn't hard to hook a horny teenage boy.

like i said, even though you don't want to play that game, it's hard not to defend yourself when another woman is fighting and scratching out your eyes w/ her nails. for a long time, i avoided deeper friendships w/ most females. most of the intense problems came about over a boy, and i was too exhausted to fight over trivialities. most men sucked anyway.

it took me a long time to get over my resentments about women. i actually resented my own feminine tendencies. but, when i got to college and then moved into my adult life, i began meeting women that shared similar attitudes. maybe we're the ones for whom it eventually occurred: the bruises and broken friendships just weren't worth it.
"oh, check out that one."
yeah, not bad.
"you think he's cute?"
sure--nice height. ok hair. pretty eyes.
"you want him?"
i don't know. you want him? 'cause if you do, go for it.
"nah. i don't want him."
you sure? b/c he's checking out that sexy bod of yours.
"he is?... tell me what he's doing now."
still checking you out of course. your hair looks fabulous by the way.
"yeah? should i go talk to him? or show him a little leg?"
smile in his direction, sweetie. but make him come here.
"hahahaha! how dumb this all is... you know i love you, right?"
of course you do. and i love the hell out of you.

it surprised me that by the time i was in my mid-20s, most of my closest friends were women. part of that is due to the fact that i was w/ a pretty insecure man. on the other hand, i began realizing just how amazing women are. it's not that i did not have these insights before, but honestly, the depth and nurture and love that i've been able to experience w/ women is something very special.

for the past week, i've spent exorbitant amounts of time w/ women and have had a comfortable happy peace about being w/ them and being myself.
there need not be anything complicated involved w/ good women. we can just love each other, have pillow fights, stuff our faces, and complain about our bodies and the psychosis of men. we can put makeup on each others faces, go on a shopping spree, laugh our asses off, and comment on the shape of each others breasts w/o impunity. we can talk life and call each other beautiful--and really really mean it--w/ no strings attached.

or maybe is a huge ball of string? maybe we're actually tangling ourselves up in a mass of string while we cuddle and cry and talk sweet to each other.
women. i love them. and i'm beginning to love being one.