parts of the middle II

when we returned to Seoul after our long weekend, the Belgian boy met another friend and they set off again to travel more of Korea. after spending so much time w/ him, it was a little strange to see him go. i remember feeling a little sad that he would be having all kinds of experiences and adventures w/o me.
it was bizarre--the connection i felt w/ him. it was befuddling to me that i could feel that way about someone so soon after my ex. though i was/am still convinced that all men have that nasty seed of unfaithful bullshit inside of them, i liked him enough that i could overlook that. and he had convinced me that he liked it when i was happy and smiling.
i figured that it was only 3 months anyway.

that was something that got me in trouble. he seemed so serious and i wanted to keep things more casual. in jests mixed in w/ the truth, i would call him my "3 month boyfriend". i wanted to defend both of us from taking our relationship too seriously or looking long-term. there were a lot of reasons why we worked in the moment: similar interests, similar ways of looking at the world, similar way of analyzing, similar sense of humor--there were a lot of things.
but there were big reasons why we couldn't work into the future. different aspirations, different passions, different cosmology. and let's not overlook the fact that i just got out of a decade long relationship. my baggage weighs a ton.

unfortunately, the flippant words i used to keep the end of our relationship in sight resulted in him using flippant words w/ me as well. i remember laughing about the fact that he had bought two large boxes of condoms.
whoa, that's a lot of condoms. you think we're going to use them all?
"who knows? just in case. and anyway, you can keep the rest of them, i won't use them anyway."
i'm not going to keep the rest of them. what would i do w/ the rest of them?
"i don't know. you could use them w/ future boyfriends?"
i don't know if i'm planning to sleep w/ a whole lot of other men. what do you think of me?

we ended our romantic relationship about 3 days later. but not for the above conversation. b/c of issues w/ his ex. now i'm not going to explicate endlessly on the manipulations of women, but i'll admit, we're smart and evil. women love the power she holds over men and feels threatened when that power is lost. in a younger time, i might have been able relate to that. today, it seems selfish and exhausting to be involved in such machinations. i mean, if it's over, it's over.
please don't expend any energy worrying about what i'm doing. it's healthier if you do not know if i'm happy or sad or sleeping around or what-have-you. and, it's absolutely none of your business.
i know the Belgian boy feels differently about this--he's best friends w/ an ex-girlfriend.
anyway, he had a deep history w/ this ex and had been pining to be w/ her for years. he wanted to make a life w/ her. i couldn't offer him more than 3 months, so there was no reason for me to struggle to hang on. it was a 3 month fling that ended 2 months early.

but certainly, the night that we broke up was sad and upsetting and i didn't want to continue to see him. he felt remorseful and sad but still wanted to see me. we had something unique that he didn't want to lose. i didn't want to either, but it seemed that it would be too painful and awkward to convert back to a friendship. i told him i would "sleep on it", but i highly doubted that my feelings about it would change.

i talked to God about it that night and He reminded me that my feelings were not as significant as a whole entire person. i felt a little petulant about that reminder while i fell asleep. when i awoke the next morning, i felt a momentary sadness, but the day felt so fresh. i read Psalms 89 and it made me feel like singing. i felt a release from some of the selfish thoughts i had about wanting to just cut him out of my life b/c of my minor hurts. he was important to me and i realized how sad i would feel to completely lose him.

and thus we moved into the arena of "friendship". for about a month.
it got a little messy.