something vague

it's weekend #20 in this motherland o' mine. 4am on a Saturday night--well, Sunday morning really. can't sleep, as usual, so i'll try to be productive and make some kind of sense of it all.

i've gained back a lot of the weight i lost when i stopped eating 10 months ago. must go on a diet and start working out again. kinda let it slip my mind for the past few weeks. emotional eating, it was.

i wasn't sure what this weekend was going to bring and i'm riding alternating waves of uncertainty and joy, mixed with splashes of the forlorn and swirls of chagrin. i suppose the quest for figuring out who i am and where i am going is going to be a lifelong journey. damnit!--i wish that there was a little more definition.

i will dance until my body fails me--this is a fact. i've been in a bachata class for the last month, and it's been a really fun experience. i'll always have left feet while trying to imitate set dance moves, but my body's actually beginning to find some of that bachata rhythm. my class last night was nice because it provided a little structure for my 'free time'. for all of my Friday nights since i started this class, i've had to run to meet people right after class. yesterday however, i actually stuck around b/c i didn't feel like meeting w/ girlfriends for a late late evening of super expensive drinks and dancing at the Hyatt.

i am definitely the odd one out in my bachata class. my lack of Korean speaking ability makes me intimidating to both the men and the women. i'm one of the younger women in the class, and would hazard to even say that of the dozen women there, i'm one of the more physically desirable ones. this makes the women avoid me even more.
the men, on the other hand, have hesitantly ventured forward a few times to try to speak w/ me (flirt w/ me?). two late 30s men tried to make some fumbling moves on me a few times--to which i just played the wide-eyed innocent. another pretty good looking metro has been hitting on me every class, but i can tell that there really isn't much to this guy. i don't want to bother.
there is also this one cutie--who i can tell is fun and really funny sweet--that i wanted to befriend. Pree-oz suggested a language exchange. he's a great dancer and has always grabbed me for at least one dance before i have run off for the night. i have loved learning this kind of organized dance b/c though it's sexy, it doesn't feel so sexual to me. so, i'm into this guy as a dance partner. when he grabbed me for a dance several times last night, it was fun, but something was different--the way he breathed and looked at me. charming, b/c he was charming--but internally i cringed a little and shrank and wondered: what the hell is wrong w/ this world? am i just a sexual object? is there nothing more to me than this fabulous ass of mine? damnit! damnit.

i shouldn't complain. i am still struggling w/ the issue of feeling desirable and attractive. i think i might be; i've been told this directly--but it's hard to believe.
and isn't that the most important part?--really, personally believing these things about yourself? fuck. i know i'm a handful.
though i like affirmation, i want more than that. i want to understand what that means to the person who is giving me the affirmation. does that mean that you just wanna fuck? does that mean that you just like the way i move my body? does that mean that you like what i have to say and have queries about what the inside of my brain looks like? what?
this is why men will not want to date me. i have too many questions. i am not just an easy lay. there are too many whys and whats. why do i have to complicate things?
b/c that's who i am.
i am too damn old and damaged not to ask these questions. and moreover, i believe that every woman should ask these questions.

don't sell yourself short ladies! ask these questions.

so, after dancing a little and being smothered by the embrace of yet another man whose breasts were larger than mine, i bowed out and walked home.

the magnolias are in blooming right now. there was something amazingly beautiful about them in the cold blue Yonsei streetlamps as i click clacked home in my faux leather boots. i had to pause to take a few photographs while students passed me w/ amused and inquisitive looks on their faces.
and then into bed, hugging myself in my turquoise blankets.

this morning, i was awoken by a text from Pree-oz b/c we had made plans to go to the 2ndary palace here in Seoul. we met and grabbed a cup of coffee and then caught a bus that whipped us past some of this unbelievable cityscape. so far, i haven't stopped appreciating the urbanness of this place.
the puzzle pieces of buildings ranging upwards and downwards, cars chasing cars, and varied-colored everythings jumping and flowing in different directions--this was the same bus route i took w/ the Belgium boy a few days before on his last day in Korea. it's bizarre that i've only seen this crazy complexity 2-3 times before and it already looks familiar. this is actually becoming a city of mine. i think i'm falling in love.

we grabbed another gulp of caffeine at a cute coffeeshop where they dragged a table and chairs outside for us b/c we wanted to smoke cigarettes. covering our knees w/ fleece blankets, we talked and processed our lives: the drama, the failures, the uncertainties, the fears, the pleasures, and the faith that brings us through all of it. when we paid and were walking down the stairs to leave, the cute waiter ran out to bid us farewell. this Korean courtesy. i love it.

the palace was beautiful. the 100+ acres were arrayed w/ Roses of Sharon, cherry blossoms, and the most endearing tour guide w/ terribly accented English. this was one of the waves of joy. we laughed at the fact that we had wanted to take the English tour but could hardly understand what she was saying. the only thing i could completely make out from her endless explication was her sad sad story about how Santa lost his way down the chimney and thus never came back to visit the Chosun dynasty. she thought that Santa should've done his research about the mechanics of Korean chimneys before coming to visit this mysterious land. classic Confucianism.

Pree-oz and i went to Hongdae and then parted ways.
then i helped translate some Korean-Englishness for a foreigner who i met in the cellphone store--this felt empowering.
then i continued my reading of an Orwell book while i ate kimbap for dinner.
waiting at exit 5, i wondered about certain omissions my Korean Korean friend had begun to reveal about her relational business. people will never cease to amaze or surprise me.

when i met this Korean friend, we talked. and talked and talked and talked. in the sweetest little cafe, over a piece of cheesecake and tea, i realized what a breakthrough we were having. she admitted that she had not been quite honest w/ me about certain things (sex) and we got into a deep deep discussion about relationships and men and women and all of those pressing concerns. and the process of my divorce. and who i was before. and where i came from.
ah. humanity.
our hang-ups.
this beautiful life.

we thought we'd end up catching the last bus home, but she got a text from a friend who wanted to meet up for drinks.
and then some flirting.
and then, we ended up under flashing lights and loud music, smashed into a mass of bodies at a club. a 23 year old boy was into my body. i could feel him. but, as i gazed into his baby face, i got bored. you haven't seen enough of life, honey. let's not pretend something's going to happen here. well, let me not pretend.
"i have to go find my friend."

at some point, i gave some guy my number. i wonder if he's going to call me today like he said he would. i honestly don't give a shit. and actually, i hope he doesn't. i'm tired.

and then a 29 year old boy was into my body. and i was kinda into his. he kept on trying to kiss me. so, in Korean:
"stop. i don't even know your name."
_______
"still. stop."
i really want to kiss you.
"i... don't... honestly, i can't even remember your name. i'm a kyopo. Korean names are difficult for me."
_______. please don't tease me.
"no."

did i want to kiss him? yes. sure. but i didn't.
so i'm home, alone, hearing the morning birds chirping and the morning dogs barking. this feels ok. good even.

there is some vague lesson i've learned, somewhere along the way.