an essay on love? II

what does it mean to be "in love" w/ someone?
i've said that i fall "in love" very easily w/ people a few times in the past few months. i know that this is partly b/c i've felt so much love from people since the unpleasantness w/ my ex-husband.
my lovers. my sweeties. my darlings.

ultimately, i know that i cannot really be fulfilled by love from other people, but relationships--ah deep, real relationships, is an amazing gift.

it's strange (or maybe it's not) b/c this is how i've always been. the depth of things excites me:
burrowing far into the rabbit hole,
down into the minutiae of analysis,
always wondering and questioning everything
until seeing that patch of light and emerging
breathless and satisfied
dirt clumps in my hair
there are very few people who've been willing or able to do that w/ me in my years of conscious awareness.

i remember in high school, most of my friendships were based upon the superficial--drugs, being a cute girl, boys, parties, fruity chapsticks, crazy shaped bongs, 3-foot steamrollers, sharing summer fruits, smokes. though i can remember some bright moments of laughter and brief camaraderie, there was no real depth there w/ that group of girls. this is not to say that they didn't have any, this is simply to say that they just didn't engage in that way.
maybe they just found it unimportant at the time.
maybe it was too scary to be that vulnerable w/ people.
i was sad and discontented w/ that level of engaging.

there were actually 2 separate conversations that i distinctly remember w/ 2 of these girls, once when i was a Junior and once in the Summer of Senior year. we actually started talking about real things--for a few hours. at the end of the day, i felt somewhat elated, while they felt a little strange and uncomfortable. at that point, i was already feeling done w/ high school and hoping that maybe i wasn't so strange. that maybe there were others out there in the world that would want to play w/ me in the burrows.

but, finding those people is hard. even finding people who are open and like to be kind to others--just b/c--is fairly difficult. so many people are closed off and wear masks b/c so few want to take the risk.
by the age of... well, in your 20s let's say, we've all been wounded and bear the scars of the hurtful actions of others. w/ each wound, we make the choice to deal w/ the pain and really heal, or we cover those scars w/ peanut butter and piss and paste on whatever gauze we want people to see.
i've certainly been guilty of covering my body w/ all kinds of bullshit at different points in my life. but, i'm done w/ that at this point. obviously. everything in this blog is quite intimate and personal. living an open life in this way works for me right now, and i'm finding it quite refreshing and less exhausting and freeing to let myself be exposed.

those who are my nearest and dearest can go there w/ me. not always willingly, but the intimacy that is engendered is such a great reward. my best friend Su, our love story began in Junior high, a few friends from college, one of my brother's roommates from back then--he's an interesting character--maybe i'll write about him in the future. the friendships that have grown and deepened since i've been in Korea have also been priceless.
i fall in love quite easily. again, i'm using those words, but i'm not sure what "in love" means exactly.

i'll pause for a minute and expound briefly upon the Belgian boy, b/c he's one of those newer people in my life that i've found a special connection w/. it's mysterious b/c it's hard to understand what that connection was about and how the depth was achieved between us in such a short period of time.
i wish i had a chance to ask him if he had felt that displaced dislocation from people while growing up as i did--i suspect not, b/c boys can really bond by rough-housing w/ each other and then talking about lighter topics like sports or car engines or womens' bodies. and he grew up in a community, whereas i grew up in one of those sprawling burbs of Chicago. i did exist in the Korean church community--and some of those relationships were indeed invaluable as well.

but, ours was a strange relationship b/c i think we both engaged in ways that we didn't really expect to--and for a lot of the time, i was confused about what our relationship was.
were we just really good friends? well, no--we crossed some boundaries that would not allow us that label.
were we dating? well, no on that one too. we did officially date for about 2-3 weeks--but then we didn't for a month and then we did something a little confusing towards the end of his sojourn here.
were we lovers? maybe in some sense?

maybe our conventional definitions of relationships are too limited, but i think that the divisions between romance and friendship are probably there for a reason. ours was such a strange case and neither of us wanted to dissect it completely for certain complicated reasons. i understand my end of that, but not his.
i actually can say that i love the Belgian boy w/o any of that 'break-up' baggage that seems to come along w/ every other romance i've been in. not that we 'broke-up' when he left exactly--this would mean that there was a something defined between us at the time when he left--which there wasn't.

but real feelings were there. joy. sweet warmth. a lot of that. ticklish laughter. surprise.
and eventually sadness. twisting feelings inside my stomach, knowing that there would be an absence. wishing there was more time, but knowing that the time had already expired. and a little more sadness. but love was there.
ours was certainly not a conventional relationship.

he used the words "in love". i asked him what that meant and he has yet to answer.
i loved him w/ both the care i have for my friends and romantic feelings mixed in. is that "in love"?

hmm... though, this reminds me... of 10 years ago. i heard the words "in love" about 2 months in. it freaked me out at the time b/c i was super afraid of romantic depth. on this side of that relationship, romantic depth still scares the hell out of me--but for very different reasons of course.
i feel so much wiser about all of that. why? b/c i actually have no clue how it works. there is no certain rhyme or reason b/c people can be completely psychotic.

however, at least i know now what i will and will not do for a romance.
ah. this is actually a comforting thought.