journal: 4.12.09

the Korean Spring is amazing. the sunshine warm breezes are sweet against the skin and the evenings have just enough hint of chill that brings crisp awareness into your senses.

it is time.
coming here in the Winter pushed me into some laziness. freezing weather isn't really conducive to venturing out very much. i've felt crazy busy every weekend, but my desires to explore on SaturDays were muted by the cold. however, every time i've stepped outside for the past week, my breath has been caught by the beauty of the myriad foliage.

it is w/ some chagrin that my ability to identify the differences between various trees and flowers was heightened by the many nature walks i took w/ my ex. but you know what? i believe i am beginning to come to a more comfortable place w/ this.

it is true, there is a part of me that will always be disgusted and enraged at his twisted, pathetic behavior and ways of thinking. but, i've been having certain painful pangs for him--something i didn't expect to happen. certainly, he committed a cowardly, traumatizing injustice upon me. but, how awful for him. how mixed up and fucked up and sick he must've been to have acted the way that he did.
and he still continues.
though it's been a while (well, over 10 months) since things actually began falling apart, he still takes any opportunity to hurt me.

i began contacting him about 2 months ago to get a hold of the divorce papers. it killed me to have to even contact him to begin w/. i just wanted to be done. though this might be ridiculous, i felt a little demeaned to have to ask him for anything. he completely rejected any attempts for reconciliation. eventually, i gave up on it and decided, i will move forward.
i remember choking on the teary words, "i forgive you" one of the last times i saw him in our empty home.
this was really a supernatural moment for me. though i still have my occasional bouts of sudden anger and grief, my process of fully healing really began w/ these words.
obedience does have its virtues.

anyway, almost every email i've sent to him to try to get these papers has been responded to w/ biting sarcasm. this was confusing to me. why bother being nasty? he painfully devastated me and got the divorce that he wanted, right? why continue throwing these sharp stones? shouldn't i be the bitchy one?
this kind of took my breath away. my immediate gut reaction was to be pissed. but, then i just had to shrug. what kind of significance should i place in his words at this point? even though i truly value the preciousness of every single human being on this planet, his words really do not have to mean anything painful to me anymore. i can take away his right to continue to hurt me.

email after email i sent to no avail. damnit.
finally, i decided. it was time to call. i knew when he got into work so i called his workline, knowing he couldn't avoid picking up.
"hello"
his voice. strange. so familiar, but completely alien.
hey. this is Mary.
"oh. uh. hey."
his voice. shaky. nervous--this seemed ridiculous. he could be audacious and sharp over email, but when actually confronted w/ a real life me, his demeanor completely shifted. we talked for 48 seconds. i honestly hope it's the last time i have to. i was surprised how little my emotions fluctuated w/ the call. i was all business.
so now i'm moving on
into the Korean Spring.

my first Spring in years it seems.
the blooming magnolias were beautiful for the past two weeks, but the petals have already fallen and been replaced by glossy thick leaves.
the Roses of Sharon--the national Korean flower--have been blazing fuschia every-which-way i've turned.
the brilliant yellow dogwoods
it's the Korean cherry blossom season--this is amazing. the pink and white flowers have literally burst from every branch, singing to the sun. the delicate petals caught up when the warm wind blows a little hard, showering our smiling faces. they dance in the wind in the most surreal way.

riotous color. the cacophonous beauty of creation.

i love that i know their names.
i love that i can distinguish the shapes of their buds.
i love that i know their smell.
i love that it is this time.