an end and the beginning of the middle

culture is such a strange thing. we all have these assumptions about what life is supposed to be like, and how you're supposed to act--we're those cliched little fishies not noticing the water we're swimming in, huh?
but then, when someone behaves in a disparate way from the way that you're used to, you begin questioning why you behave in the way that you do. think in the way that you do. it's refreshing to go back and question some of those basic rote things that you get sucked into the inertia of.

the whole idea of dating, for example. in the States, "dating" someone means that you're just going out on dates--lunches, dinners, drinks, a possible touch of romance, or something cruder--depending upon what you're looking for. anyway, in this arena of dating, Americans are deathly frightened of labels (@ least this one is/was).
the classifications of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" are avoided. certainly not to be applied at any early juncture. and by "early" i mean--w/in the first few months. or maybe until you've decided that the person is someone worth being monogamous w/?

oh yuck.
there she is again. that super dysfunctional little girl w/ mixed up relational definitions and boundaries. but hey! it's been a decade since i've been in this dating game, so please excuse me. or not. or just fuck off and stop reading if this is too disturbing (hee hee blah.).
i remember always getting bored w/in the first month of dating someone so i'd hate that label. being called someone's girlfriend felt like i was becoming tranformed into a something--in the manner of a possession. i hated that idea. it felt like i was submitting to a man and certain rules--maybe his rules. thus, it became much harder to escape the relational scenario. i always needed the out.

no one wants to be alone--or very few of us do. we humans are built for companionship and we have all of those boy and girl parts that we learn about and inevitably want to fit together w/ someone else's. but, i wandered around from 14-20, never really meeting anyone worthy to date beyond month number 2. i hurt a lot of feelings, but at least i didn't drag out something that was foolish and got in deeper and hurt those guys more deeply, right? i felt that i'd never meet someone that 'got it'--that i could really connect w/ or that had considered things below surface level superficial. this is sounding very unfair, i realize--but this has been my experience.

i did meet someone when i was 20--who blew me away b/c we could talk deep, we had the same quirky sense of humor, he'd go down the rabbit hole w/ me in a way that no one else ever had. there were endless hours of uproarious laughter and preposterous suppositions about things like mini-donkey farms and starting a cooking show together when we were 66. we'd go for walks and he'd tell me all about the various flora in Urbana; my sensibilities about the changing seasons and the budding blossoming life that paralleled them will never be the same b/c of those walks. (this Korean Springtime has admittedly been enriched b/c of my sensitized awareness.)
plus, he didn't immediately try to get me into bed--in fact, we never had sex until we got married--which was 5 years after we had our first date. anyway, this is a digression.

it seems crazy impossible to meet someone--as complex as people are--that matches w/ you on an emotional, intellectual, and spiritual level. and physical level too, i suppose.
during the haggard death process of that decade long relationship, my girlfriends and i cried and laughed about the nobody-nobody problem (ironically a super popular Korean song right when i got here).
or maybe it's not that impossible?--to really match w/ one or two of those things? but i need it all. and i don't believe that long-term engagement should be pursued w/o it all.

for my first month in Korea, i was exasperated w/ the ridiculous juvenility of single men. you can probably read the backlogs of this blog and think that i was being just as juvenile, but the attempts to connect and actually relate to people were always there. but men really acted like how i remembered them from a decade ago.
joystick in the pants. anything for a little action. woman after woman and then one more--discarded pieces of medium rare steak. yuck.

then i met the Belgian in those random circumstances that i've already recounted. i do not mean to denigrate the wonderful quality our connection or relationship in any way, but well, i did meet him after a quick month after landing on Korean soil. it seems possible that there are other interesting and complex and unique men out there that i have just not met yet.

but again, our relationship was quite interesting and special and worthy to recount and organize and unpack/repack now that he's not around to distract me. plus, though i hate definition, i now feel that after a confusingly romantic, sweet, and intense trio of months, i can finally define where we stand relationally. really good friends. hopefully this will be a friendship that will continue beyond the bewildering beginning of the year of 2000 and 9.

both he and i were very much disinterested in a serious relationship. i've got recently-divorced-9-year-relational baggage to sort out. he had the about-to-leave-Korea-ex-girlfriend stuff to work on.
we met over a sleepless weekend, talking at 14 hour intervals at a time. though i knew something was probably pretty special and amazing about our discourses, i didn't necessarily think too much about whether or not it was unusual, initially. i've not dated in a decade, nor interacted w/ men other than my ex on this kind of level in a lot of years. so, though my plucked eyebrows were raised, i thought that our behavior might not be extraordinary for men and women our age.

our conversations were extremely unusual, however. this goes back to the whole culture thing. his European sensibilities about many many things threw me into all kinds of curious ponderings. i love curious ponderings. he'd soapbox about seemingly minor issues but be so blase about things that seemed major to me.
he was ruled by his emotions and would do things w/o necessarily understanding why. he did it 'b/c his heart told him to'. these were things that i could understand and relate to, in some ways. i'm nothing but emotional sometimes. there was something amazing and endearing (and a little crazy) about this quality in him.
and while he called it "religion", i called it "faith". we had many winding complex discussions about God--one of the few atheists that i have met where an intelligible discussion began and ended, intelligibly.

that first week after meeting, we e-talked everyday--for hours on end. everyday, we seemed to meet at the same time and had some extremely fun and intriguing conversations about... many many things. there were a number of awkward cultural missteps and mutual misinterpretations that makes me chuckle to think about now. these conversations were unique. precious, even.
he acted and spoke on the extreme end of romantic, but i genuinely had no idea what it all meant. there is much i shrugged off as "European". i knew that what i defined as romantic could just be a sweet sweet thing for a European to say. this is an example of the Belgian acting according to his emotions, without fully rationally considering the ramifications of said actions. this is not always a bad thing. it will cause confusion though.

so even after an entire week of being sweet-talked over the electronic ether, i still didn't know anything for sure about the intentions behind all that sugar and syrup. i'm a woman. i'd like to know if i'm being romanced. then i can know what my posture should be.
wide eyed innocent to be avoidant?
receptive responsive?
hesitantly intellectualizing the elements of relationships?
go w/ the flow?

when we met in Hongdae, i had forgotten what he looked like and even what his adorable accent sounded like. it took us a minute to get into a comfortable stride b/c the bulk of our relationship had been online at that point. it was kind of relieving to see this real-life solid person who kept tousling his hair and biting his cigarette when he lit it. to me, it felt important to understand what the hell his week-long romantic actions were all about--and i'm a pretty upfront person. the conversation wasn't going there on it's own, so:
have you been flirting w/ me?
"huh? what are you asking me?"
i'm asking if you have been flirting w/ me.
"ummm... that is a strange question to ask."
why? why would that be a strange question?
"to ask me here? in this bar?"
i don't think it's a strange question at all, but, we can drop it then.

so, we did. but i thought it was a little ridiculous. he had clearly been flirting with me--which at that point, i honestly did not necessarily want him to be, i just wanted to know why. were we simply being flirty friends? moreover, he did not clearly answer my question. i figured it'd come up later.
he had to pick up his friend from the airport early the next morning, so though there were some strange boundary issues w/ having him stay over on this second meeting, we both shrugged. adult males and females can sleep in the same bed w/o any funny business, right? no big deal?
(yes. boundary issues. ostensibly a little funny problematic.)

exhausted, we cuddled awkwardly at first, then more comfortably, then fell asleep. this was strange to me b/c i don't easily sleep close to people. i think and overthink about moving around and shifting and keeping the other person up. but, the morning light awoke me (us) and we began sleepy morning talk. then he brought it up. about the flirting. i can't remember that part of the conversation, but i remember:
you completely avoided this question last night. why bring it up 20 minutes before you have to pick up your friend?
"i know. i don't know. i don't know what we should do."
this is probably not a good idea--i mean, i've got all of my baggage and i don't want to end up hurting you b/c i probably won't be able to fully engage.
"it probably isn't a good idea, huh? but, you do not have to worry about me. i am worried about you. you are so fragile. i don't want you to get really hurt."
i am definitely not fragile, Belgian. but i'm so mad at you for bringing this up now.
"i know. i know. there isn't enough time to talk about this."
which is your fault, by the way.

ha. time. we were always running out of it.

we continued talking while he got dressed and i put on several layers to fend off the winter cold. there wasn't a whole lot to say while we walked to the airport bus stop together. we just looked at each other hopelessly at this nonsensical situation. then the bus came and i didn't even look back at him when he boarded. it was dissatisfying. there was nothing to be done at the moment. but before i took 4 steps, my phone began ringing.
i'm still really mad at you, you know.
"i know i avoided. i shouldn't have."
ah! what the hell are we doing? this makes me laugh... crap... where am i?
"huh? what do you mean?"
i mean i have no idea where i am. i think i just walked past the entrance to the building.
chuckled, "it is because we were talking about something important."
i have never done that before. this is ridiculous.

here were the two conditions i gave to the Belgian about beginning a dating relationship:
1) this has to be a 3 month relationship.
"i don't start dating someone unless i think that there is some kind of small possibility--no matter how minute--that the relationship might last."
fair enough. but know that this where i stand on this. (i eventually began calling him my "3 month boyfriend", with some not-so-great results.)

2) are you ok w/ the fact that you may or may not ever have sex w/ me?
"uh..." (long pause.) "that would be a new experience for me."
new experience? irrespective. are you ok w/ that or not?
"uh... yes? yes. i would be ok w/ that."
really? (will i explicate on this subject in the future? it really will prove to be an interesting write--and probably read, so, let's see how my mood swings on this one.)

needless to say, when we inevitably talked (again, into the dawn), we decided that we were going to throw out what we knew about healthy relational timelines and date for 3 months. just enjoy whatever time we might have together. i had my mind set on trying a casual 'fling', but really--who'm i kidding? i'm a fucking serious person. so is he. but, we were too involved and caught up and interested in each other. we 'had to' try whatever we were doing and deal w/ the consequences.

so in the growing morning light, our first kiss. first kisses are always so funny and too dramatic b/c both parties have no idea what to expect. but you don't want it to be bad. this first kiss was no different. funny. too dramatic. new.

at some point, maybe a week later, he described my kisses as "careful".
i described his as "exploratory".
no. i won't explain what that means.