redundant. trivialities.

convictions. why are they so fleeting?
you really can feel like you believe something--you may still bear the scars from the lesson you learned, but then you forget. or you fool yourself into thinking that maybe the conviction you felt was just not that big of a deal. you don't allow the conviction to take hold b/c you're so used to continuing along the grooves you've been ambling down. and then there's guilt about that, and often shame. the cycle perpetuates.

how do you change? how can you move forward into a brand new thing? the old way of doing things is your version of 'normal' and your body just moves in that direction b/c that's what feels natural. but you hurt yourself and often hurt people around you. and then sometimes you cry about it. sometimes you need to make apologies. sometimes you promise yourself that you won't put yourself through it all over again.

conviction.
a lie.
the same lie
over and over.
the same mistake
over and again
tears, conviction
but then, there it is again
the same lie

i need to believe that these trivialities won't continue to cycle. i need to trust that change is possible and that a hundred years from now, things will be different. the incremental steps forward--no matter how subtle, they mean something.

subtle steps at a one degree angle may look like nothing to some, but they can feel like miles to the one walking that way. no one may believe you--no one may be able to trust that your trajectory has shifted, but inevitably, these choices are personal and valuable.

i've got to keep stretching upwards, even if i don't look any taller.