fuck-me boots and green ponys

so, in the midst of being in a foreign country with a billion new and confusing things to adjust to, i'm also feeling crazy and awkward and all kinds of insecure. i've forgotten what it means to be single, what it's like to feel attractive and desirable. you can be with someone for what seems like forever--and completely forget what life is like w/o them. i walked through life for 10 years of my youth--probably the "best" and prettiest years of my life--feeling unattractive and undesirable. boring. blue. blah.

God. i'm 29 years old and an emotional train wreck. even though my wounds have been healing and i'm feeling more and more like a person everyday, i know i'm still pretty fucked up. i'm a little too old and a little too smart to succumb to the temptation of hopping into the closest warm bed.
it sucks that i'm experienced enough in life to actually have to admit things like that to myself. that sleeping around will only temporarily repair and then destroy my self-esteem. that getting sexy and sweaty and eventually naked w/--whomever--will only leave me in ruins. and probably knocked up with some sticky sweet cocktail of STDS. but damnit! i'm also in my sexual prime w/o a partner. i haven't had sex in 6 months--albeit, pretty shitty sex, but still. sigh. unpacking all that is for another time... if ever.

so, that's all the bullshit background that i'm setting so that i can kinda explain away my ludicrous behavior last weekend. i know that i said that i would be saving the juiciness of the my first weekend in Seoul, but my second weekend was probably a little juicier and more worthy of story-telling.

as i mentioned…
i've been hyperstimulated and overwhelmed by all the new everything of being in this foreign country. sure i can speak my pidgin version of this language, but did you know that Korea has no sensible road system? there are "street names" but, no one goes by them. it's ridiculous. cab drivers aren't even privy to the names of the streets--it seems completely insane compared to the ordered gridwork of the Chicago street system. people around here go by landmarks. my first weekend here, we were meeting people in the middle of Hongdae (a neighborhood in Seoul) in front of the KFC.
no joke.

on Saturday night, we were in front of this KFC with hundreds of people milling around it--who were all meeting their respectives as well: cell ring ring.
where are you?
---
i'm in front of the KFC
---
you are? where are you i don't--oh! there you are!

like i said. it's an adjustment. it's bizarre.

anyway, i've been on shaky legs and w/o a cell phone--trying to understand the crazy bus system and the crazy streets and sophisticated subway system. as a kyopo (Korean foreign national) i knew i was at a serious advantage compared to the non-Korean foreigners. but i'm in a place of transition and confusion--born, raised, and educated for the past 29 years on the flatlands of good ol' Illinois, USA. i've been suddenly thrust into a cacophony of lights and high heels and silly looking hair-cuts. my friend Praise had been holding my hand for the past week, but she was out of town for the weekend, so i was really on my own--for the first time in this questionable, but amazing landscape.

i found myself in Myeong-Dong (shopping district) at 6pm on a Saturday night, having just parted ways w/ a super sweet Chinese Canadian chick i've met (Denise). a minor monster of worry was growling in my stomach.
ok. landmarks. think landmarks.

Denise and i had made tentative plans to go out to a club to celebrate a birthday around 10-11pm, but w/o a phone and only a small subway map in my pocket, i was intimidated to think that it would be possible to connect with her, much less figure out how to get home. so what did i do? i shopped. and shopped. and smoked and shopped in the street market. i enjoyed the bustle of people heading this way and that, eating dried octopus, dduk-booki, and a variety of meats on chopsticks.

suddenly it was 10pm and i hesitantly hopped on the subway to somehow meet Denise by the first carousel, five stops away. when i boarded the train, everyone was all up on everyone--packed in uncomfortably tight. people pressing up on me on all sides--but i was feeling very alone and unsure if i was heading in the right direction.

then i heard the Korean announcements over the loudspeaker and i realized:
hey, i can understand them. and... i can read the signs for the stops. whoa. this is just like the Chicago eL.
i'm telling you w/o hyperbole--i had a liberating sense of victorious independence.

it should be no surprise at this point that i connected with Denise and that we found our way to the club. like last week, we got into the club VIP, no cover. of course when we get inside, these Korean women are in all their plastic glory--perfect makeup, sexy boots, short skirts, long legs, intricate hair--and me in my jeans and sneakers.
damnit. fuck it. oh well. i'm really just out to have fun. being admired for my looks is gratifying, but obviously this is not my night for that.

so, we sat down, met some of the guys that paid for the table for the birthday girl, had a few shots, and then hit the dance floor. the music was loud, the dj was pretty good, and i threw my body into it like i always do. there is something so freeing and cathartic to move and sweat and just feel the beat in your limbs and feet. i know i was being stared at--i always am. it's either disgust or curiosity that compels them--but actually, neither sentiment bothers me. it's hard enough to enjoy life w/o having to worry about shit like that. it feels powerful and amazing to really feel the beat and move when you're feeling it in your bones.

so, i'm in the process of emerging from a place where i'm feeling unattractive and undesirable. dancing really pushes those negative feelings to the netherland of wherever those feelings go. it's exhilarating. probably a control thing--i know i can move and i know that no high-heeled sexy boots can substitute for feeling happy because i'm enjoying being me.

so, it all started off pretty appropriately--a so-so guy in a leather coat--who actually followed my lead and we had a ton of fun. that is, until he told me that he was attending the school i'm currently working at... and that his friend thought i was cute. i turned and saw a young 18-something boy shyly give me the head nod.
”i'm too old for him”
what? how old are you?
”uh. this conversation's over.”
i danced away. then took a break.

the next time i was stomping and twirling on the floor, i felt someone behind me tentatively take my hips and move w/ me. i turned my head to peek and make sure he was at least semi-attractive. tall, kinda cute--sure, i'm superficial, but i'm trying to repair my self-esteem here, you know?
he was pulling me kinda close, holding my hand, pressing his body against mine--and it felt nice. the warmth. the hard muscles. i'm in my green Ponys, but he still wanted me. i could feel him on my back.
but inevitably it was only some physical chemistry, because when i began talking to him and only Korean words exited his mouth, i decided i wasn't up for the challenge.
broken Korean: “i'm going to go find my friends.”

the last time i got back on the floor, i was moving and swinging and swaying when i felt someone firmly grab my waist and pull me towards him. again, i had to check him out--nice body, why not face--sure, i'll dance with you.
our bodies moved in pretty good rhythm and he was able to keep up better than the other two. but his hands felt--possessive somehow, as they moved around my waist and stomach. i was definitely reveling in the feeling of his tight grip as he pressed me close--feeling a little dirty dumb, but damnit--he was making me feel desired and hot. i got into it.
he swung me around and said in Korean: face me--dance facing me
he kept on trying to wrap my arms around his neck, which i just wasn't going to do. my arms limply draped over his shoulders when he began gyrating really persistently against me. i began laughing and laughing and he began whooping in my face. i couldn't stop giggling, but he kept on moving against my body, his hands rubbing against the small of my back trying to force my breasts against his chest. he kissed my forehead a few times and i laughed even more because i knew how salty sweaty i was.
”too close.” i giggled incredulously and kept on saying. “too close”.
he finally released me but spun me and pulled me back into his chest. as we moved again, i could feel his hands moving up my sides and towards my breasts. i swatted his hands several times, but then i felt his hands on my bare stomach. i wish i could say that i just left him on the dance floor at that point, but it felt really good to have his hands touch my body in that way.
i didn't allow him to keep on keeping on all over my body, but i still danced with him. when i finally felt gratified enough by the whole situation to walk away, i high-fived him for good measure, and then left him with his friends.

i went back to the table and waited for my friends. i laid down on the u-shaped couch, lit a smoke, and then tapped my foot to the beat. i was ready for the night to be over. ___, the guy who paid for the table, slid next to me. now, there's a little back-story to this guy.
hours earlier, as soon as we showed up to the club, he slid really close and swung his arm around me.
”uh. hello. what's your name?”
___. what's your name? where you from?
”Mary. from Chicago. i've been in Seoul for 8 days now.”
welcome to Seoul!
i blandly noticed that he was all over the birthday girl and kissed Denise's ear during a photo-opp.
later, during one of my breaks from the dance floor, he came up behind me and we danced a little. he was dancing a little inappropriately close, but i didn't really mind until i had to say:
”get your hand off my ass.”
to which he politely obliged.

so, i was unsure what he was thinking when he came to sit by me. he kissed my sweaty forehead.
”how many girls have you been kissing on tonight?” his lips moved against my cheek and towards my lips. his lips were really soft and felt amazing on my skin.
just one

but i squirmed. i don't even know what i said. i had a million thoughts flash through my mind. not guilt or disgust or anything like that. mainly confusion and a little insecurity in the brain fluid mix: what? is he hitting on me? why would he be hitting on me? there are dozens and dozens of pretty girls around here. why me?
i think my confusion protected me from fumbling kisses and who-knows-what, that would be exposed in the light of the day. but after i rejected him, i began to regret it. slightly. soft lips. sweet objectification.

ah. but a dime for a dozen.

and so ended my second Saturday night in Seoul.