journal: 1.5.09

so, for as crazy as the past two weeks have been, and despite the silly rambunctious behavior that has ensued, i actually hit some pretty low emotional valleys. i guess this is all part of the "more processing" that i have to do about my failed relationship w/ my ex.
ex-husband.
ugh.
holy shit. i can't believe that i have to use that term. it makes me want to squirm and clench my fists and hold my breath until my face turns purple. or green. rigor mortis.

i'm sure it's hard to believe, but in a lot of ways, i've 'gotten over' my ex-husband. well, i've managed and worked through the heavy bulk of the issues in the past six months.
how do you process 10 years worth of bullshit in six months? it's truly God's mercy on me. i got some really great counsel and so most of the awful feelings have subsided...

an email:
hi P Min,
i just wanted to say 'hi' and really thank you again for your counsel months back. at the time, it nearly killed me to have to lay aside my pride and try to make it work w/ such a cowardly unfaithful man. everyday from June through August, i cried my eyes out b/c i knew i really needed to have faith that God had some kind of grander purpose for my struggles. when you told me to go back to show him love, i can't describe the horrible pain it caused me to keep my heart open to genuinely love Chris. ugh. in reflection, it's hard to believe that i slept on the floor outside of our guest bedroom to show Chris my devotion while he spit on me every single day.

can you believe that i now truly have an incredible sense of relief that i did that? i'm sure you can. you pastors have that magical know-how :)

i'm so glad that i followed your advice. you were absolutely right. had i not tried to honor God in that most painfully difficult way, i know that even ~today~ i would be struggling w/ deep regret and pondering about whether or not i could stand right before Him and feel loved as His daughter. even writing this now makes me feel kind of emotional to think about the lessons that i learned about His love for me--everyday He sleeps outside my bedroom door despite my disobedience.

anyway, i've been mostly happy for a few months now, but in the past few days, God prodded me to reflect back on that time. thank you for recommending that i take the more difficult path last June despite my frustrated and broken-hearted tears. i know i'm much more whole and less crazy today b/c of your advice.

lots of love,
Mary

*****

for about the first 3-4 months after the proverbial shit hit the fan, i was an awful mess of a mess. during that time, i did my best to keep my marriage together. i truly did all i think i could have. i genuinely made the choice to sacrifice myself and my pride and really live out what i believed real commitment to supposed to be about. it sucked. it was much harder than quitting smoking cold turkey. but God really met me during those awful times of desperate tears and crippling pain.

i finally hit a point where i began having panic attacks. i've rarely experienced that kind of anxiety, but at the time: the thought of seeing my ex-husband's face and enduring another battery of his hateful and abusive words actually began triggering this unstoppable, overwhelming sense of dread. as strong as i tried to be, my psyche was actually beginning to break down. i knew i couldn't handle anymore and once i got there, God granted me a peace that i had done all that i could.

i moved in w/ my parents for a few weeks while they were in town, and then i moved in w/ some friends onto a street called Belle Plaine Avenue. i was officially homeless starting on October 1st, 2008.
unfortunately, on top of being cheated on and homeless, i was pretty much unemployed. it was a little terrifying, but i was trying to trust God. i had 3 suitcases containing most of what i'd be carrying around w/ me through life. i guess this explains some of my references to homelessness.

anyway, the first 3-4 months were awful, and initially, the horror was so intense that i couldn't imagine the feelings ever fading. i couldn't imagine that i could ever feel normal again. i felt like such a burden to everyone, but couldn't help but rely heavily upon my family and friends through the worst of the drama. they poured out more love and patience and understanding and grace and--there are no more words... some things just can't be described.

on one day that was closing into the evening:
it was my 1st day of homelessness. i was locked out and tears chilled on my cheeks while i watched October leaves begin to break away from the trees. i felt so displaced and alone and abandoned.
my cellphone rang.
my baby brother Peter called at the moment right when i was really beginning to feel sorry for myself. he showed up immediately and took me out for Thai food.
God was watching and knew what i needed.
indeed. i am truly blessed w/ amazing people in my life.

intermingled w/ the pain, i had these slapdash moments of joy and laughter and entertainment. the balmy summer days of 2008 on Belle Plaine Avenue are indelibly burned into my memory... we talked and talked and ate and smoked cigarettes and drank whiskey and wine. we watched movies and went to the beach. i began reading books again and journaling and praying more and taking long walks and experiencing a depth of love and friendship that i had not in years... i was blessed. i am blessed.
the pain actually began to subside...

and then there were days that i began to feel more happy than sad. i began feeling relieved and excited to leave behind the passionless and purposeless marriage that had caused me such angst for so many years.

the hot summer cooled and the autumn began. my favorite season.

and then the days that i felt happy began to outnumber the days that i felt sad. and then i began to generally feel happy. excited about the possibilities of life and where it could lead...
i think i've been riding the happy wave for about 2-3 months now...

anyway, w/o too much more explication, i stumbled into Korea and knew that God had placed me here. the first 6-7 weeks have been exciting and new and all kinds of fun. but, right around Christmas, i began having some very unsettling sad feelings--the first i've experienced for months.
**i never remember my dreams, but i had a terribly disturbing one where my ex approached me and begged me to come back to him. for some reason i did, even though my meta-persona was screaming NO! NO! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
**i cried my eyes out in my office on Christmas eve while i forced myself to labor through these mind-numbing assignments for work. where are these feelings coming from? i'm moving forward. i'm moving on.
**the Belle Plaine Girls somehow all reunited in Seoul--7000 miles away from Chicago. we went out for a delicious Korean feast and had a drink at Tei--the dark, smokey, divey bar that plays pretty good music--my new favorite place in Shinchon. we caught up and touched Cheryl's big curly hair and laughed at Lin's antics. Praise and i recounted some of our more memorable Korea moments for them. and then a song that my ex used to sing me came on over the speakers. "isn't she lovely? isn't she wonderful?" the girls sang and i swallowed hard against the rush of feelings and tears that bubbled up.

my stomach has gotten this terribly tense and awful feeling in these random moments.

when i went to church yesterday, P Eddie gave a sermon about the new year. he talked about how we often grow w/ God for a period and then hit a brick wall. we get stuck. he named 3 things that often leads us to being stuck.
1) not receiving forgiveness from God for things that we've done.
2) not forgiving others who've sinned against us.
3) not forgiving ourselves for things we've done.
God. all 3 apply to me. #1 and #3 have been bugging me for years.

a few weeks ago, i don't think that i knew that #2 was something that i really might have issue with. but, when P Eddie said it, i could feel a stirring inside that indicated that i'm still wounded deeply and have more processing ahead.

damnit.
i'm a mess.
i've got a lot of work to do.