September 2010

i feel like a fuck up. it hurts to feel this way.

well, i have these ideals about absolutes and standards and how things "should be", but inevitably, those are personal and subjective.
this still hurts though.

i've always known i can't be perfect. the Lord knows that i've tried and the Lord knows that i cannot succeed, despite my unrelenting attempts.
i sometimes wonder if i've been made as imperfect as i have been, in order to stumble enough in life to keep me attached to the ground.
yes.
there's the gritty ground.
and there's another bloody knee.
i'm clumsy. i have nothing to be arrogant about.

i get beautiful compliments about various things, but those come from people who don't see how badly i fail. i hide myself.
i actually get freaked when people say nice things to me b/c i wonder: "if you really knew me...what would you say...?"
the only person who can clearly see my failings are me. and Jesus. of course.

this comes down to something i was talking about w/ a birthday girl yesterday. as we exist in this world among other people, we just want to be *known*. fully.
without reservation or judgment.
and loved.
fully.
without reservation.
without judgment.
though we may be hell raising neurotics.
though we maybe dirty, intense, crazy, selfish, and only sometimes-sweet

sigh.
i want to be good... i try so hard to be good, but inevitably, it is impossible--not on my own. not by what i can figure out.

things are picking up again--(did they ever slow down?!)
here i am, ready to pack up to Japan in less than 2 weeks, to visit a boy that i believe i 'got away' from. i know it might be extremely arrogant to say that, but when a woman has intuition about something like this...