a bun in my oven?

i will be 32 years old in less than 3 weeks. i've got all kinds of pressures to 'settle down' and find a man. my biological clock is tick-tocking with an inexorable forward movement.
my parents really want me to bear children and make them grandparents someday. there really isn't much time left to make that happen, and with every passing year, the window for me to make a baby is closing ever more rapidly. it hurts a little to think about that because i've still got that childlike desire to turn cartwheels in order please my parents; but at the end of the day, my life is my own, and i need to make choices that fit who *i* am as a person.

are children in the cards for me?

last year, i came into the revelation that "no", i do not feel the biological necessity to procreate. when i finally came to that conclusion, i felt an enormous sense of relief. a huge burden was lifted off of my psyche because: no longer was my quest to find the right life partner dictated by the clock. i know it sounds paradoxical to say that in juxtaposition to the above statement, but i think it's a complicated issue.

last year, when i realized that i don't 'have to have' a baby, there was freedom in letting go that status quo expectation. in fact, when i came into that thread of thoughts, i rubber-band flew into the other extreme where i began thinking that: not only did i not NEED to have a baby, i did not ever WANT to have one. the idea of becoming a mother was frightening--almost offensive to my sensibilities. i wondered how i had even considered it as an optional life path.

i know that there is some curiosity about me at my school because i do not fit into the Korean stereotype of 'lady-likeness'. i am a happily single 30+ woman, independent, active, love to travel on my own, and will politely state that "i don't need a man" to anyone who insists that i do.

[it's not that i don't desire to find a partner, but i find that it is much easier to avoid annoying busybodies when i flat-out close that door.]

this past Springtime, i had a very enlightening conversation that turned the tide on my anti-baby attitude. it was with the only happily married Korean woman i know. it was unusual for me to be open about myself to a co-worker, but she was honest enough to straight up ask me some of those deeper questions, along with sharing about herself. as we got further into our discourse about our lives, i revealed that i'd been married and divorced. to my surprise, she wasn't surprised or disgusted. she didn't even really pause for too long on that point. she was more curious about why i didn't want to have children.

roughly translated:

me: i just don't feel the call to motherhood.

her: really? but... why not? what holds you back?

me: well, i think that it's not something that you should just step into because it seems like it's the natural progression of things.

her: indeed, having children is a major decision... but i cannot imagine not having mine.

me: i don't know. it's relieving that i don't have to let that factor into finding someone to live my life with. there's no time-line anymore.

her: but, it sounds like you actually wouldn't WANT to have children.

me: i don't think i do.

she paused, then: Mary, i think you should be careful not to close yourself off to being a mother.

me: i know. if i find the right person, of course i'd be ok with having a child with him.

i said these words automatically. they were well-rehearsed from saying them so many times. she looked wistfully off into the distance. i think she knew i was giving her a line--albeit, it was an ideal i believed in--but not one that i had really examined for a long time.

her: i really hope you find that right person. she fixed her gaze upon me. because truly--when you find that perfect match for you... that man will make you so happy that your love for each other will feel almost desperate. if you find that kind of match, you can't help but want to consummate that love by having a child together. a child that is mended together by both of your flesh.

it was like a bell rang in my head. her statement was nothing new, but the way she passionately, authentically expressed herself was beautiful. i could see that she really believed what she was saying, and with a rush, i suddenly realized that *me* having a baby was not so preposterous. in fact, i suddenly realized that i could actually desire mixing my DNA with another person's and procreating a being that was kinda like me.

it was a startling, fantastical moment.

many things have led me to this conclusion, but i can finally, happily say: come what may.

Motherhood is a privilege that i think i would like to experience sometime in the future. now, i don't want to be so arrogant to assume that even if i do find this mythical "right" man, that i will have the ability to have a child. so many couples just believe that they can make a baby whenever they feel like it; there's this general sense of entitlement to procreation that many couples have. so many are heartbroken when they can't.
if God blesses me with a little one of my own flesh and blood, that will mean that my life will have unfolded very differently than i can currently imagine. but hopefully, if a bun does end up in my oven, that'll mean that i have also found the person who can handle and adore my crazy.