it's the end of the year. i'm within about 26 hours from the beginning of 2011 and i'm feeling a little melancholia creeping into my sensibilities. on one hand, i've got so many things to look forward to--i've got a one week writing class on Jeju Island, a 2 week excursion to Indonesia, a new apartment, new job...
but on the other hand, i'm *still* just me. the same person with the same failings and issues as i had 365 days ago. it's not that i haven't grown in a lot of ways, i just have a lot of problems. i know i know: it is unrealistic to be "perfect", but it really irks me that i carry some of the same problems with me from year to year.
i wonder if i can change. if i can be different. i wonder if i'll stop having crazy dreams about my ex-husband. i wonder if i'll *do* something this coming year. i wonder if i'll be able get over this apathy that has crept into my sensibilities.
but optimism always bubbles back to the surface. as depressed and dark things are sometimes, i know that the time i have on this planet is precious. that something about Today's passing was valuable, even though i spoke to and interacted with very few people.
this new year is an opportunity for something different to happen, but i'm not fooling myself. true change is not based upon the turning of the calendar pages. it's a stumbly journey of mistakes and development and growth and fuck-ups. for now, new days will continue to dawn and the Hope that warms me when i *really* think about the universe is a mercy that i'm profoundly grateful for.
good-bye 2010. it was an aiight run. but i'm gonna cheat on you with 2011.
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