detox

last night was New Year's Eve. and today, suddenly we've crept into another year.
i spent much of the day feeling pretty shitty, but interventions gave me some renewal.

the 1st is always a bit of a wash b/c no one knows what to do w/ themselves. you're supposed to be thinking things through and making resolutions and reflecting on what's to come. i was feeling yucky and a little unhappy. i've been an emotional mess lately for those bigger Questions and worried about what is to come--though i had not externalized/talked about any of it. my shitty emotional state just manifested itself in unhealthy behaviors.
the strange thing about me is that when i repress/refuse to talk through/process that negative stuff that swirls around in my head, i get completely out of touch w/ those feelings. then, that manifests itself in bad behaviors. when i eventually sit down and examine what is actually making me feel uncomfortable, i've already made a mess of myself and then i just want to HIDE.

this is a problematic cycle for me and i *hate* these messes i create for myself.

i had one of my closest girlfriends visit Seoul for the past two weeks. though it was absolutely wonderful to have her here, i felt the pressures of needing to be a good host and keeping on a cheery face. though my smiles and laughter were not disingenuous, the repression of my negative feelings eventually exhausted me. inevitably, when the dam bursts, there's a flood.
on Wednesday, a crack appeared along the dam wall.
over a deep talk about life and friendships and the inconstancy of nearly everything, i started spitting venom over a fairly innocuous issue. the rant wasn't directed towards any one thing, but suddenly i could feel my eyes filling with tears and then i finally felt it. profound sadness.
only for a moment though. my friend only had 2 more days left in town and i couldn't let myself go *there*. it felt too self-centered and i didn't want to add that on top of my many other failings. (i know. i know. that was a quick, but gigantic pity party.) my girlfriend looked concerned, but i just shrugged it off, determined to unpack it at a more opportune time.
i spent Thursday feeling bluesy, but just looked towards the new year as a chance to rest and reflect. but then yesterday, i drank too much whiskey and headed home before the countdown. i didn't even get to really hug my girlfriend goodbye. i'm an idiot.

so, on top of finally facing myself and the things that've been depressing me, i spent the lonely hours of this first day of the year nursing a hangover and feeling the burn of yesterday night's cigarettes. (please note: i "quit" smoking about 3 months ago.)

but, there are mysterious Ways: my best friend in Chicago was available to talk for hours as she approached 2011 on her side of the world. we shared our hearts about our fears and insecurities. i got to admonish her about her unwillingness to tell off the FOB-y creepster that won't stop texting her--("call immigration on him, damnit!") her father jumped on the phone and wished me blessings for the new year. she prayed for me. it was encouraging, but i still felt a little blue. i didn't like that i had started off the year this way. plus, i sorely missed her. i wished she could come over and sit on my bed w/ me while pigging out and giggling about nonsense together.

after hanging up, i puttered around the house for a while and then my phone rang. it was a girlfriend who wanted to fill me in on yesterday's gossip. her stories made me chuckle and brought back a sense of normalcy.
"i wish you could come over so i could cook for you," i sighed--expecting that she would be unwilling to brave the winter to commute to my place.
"what are you cooking?"
i perked up, "anything you want, baby."
"salad? with chicken?"
"and some mac 'n cheese i've been saving for the right opportunity?"
"i'll be over in an hour."
we sat and we munched and talked in my cozy warm apartment, and her presence helped me to level out and gain some perspective. today was not a day for me to sink into self-flaggellation.
God knew that.
not being the overtly sentimental sort, my girlfriend surprised me by asking about new year's resolutions.
"i don't do new year's resolutions."
"you don't? really?"
"nah. i don't like to fool myself with unrealistic expectations that are based upon the turning of the clock."
"you're so jaded," she laughed.
"damnit. maybe," i smiled. "but seriously, i just want to get healthy. spiritually, emotionally, and physically--i've been in a rut lately." i shared my thoughts about my emotional make-up and acting out behavior. i then turned the question back on her.
"me too. i want to get healthy," she nodded at my responses. "also, i just want to spend more time around healthy people with healthy energy." this warmed and encouraged me. she and i had been hanging out a lot more in the recent months; much of this was based upon her initiation. i feel profoundly fortunate for the people in my life.

my girlfriend surprised me again by mentioning that she had lately been thinking about spirituality. this girl always side-steps away from this topic--and i am not a proselytizer. i share about my faith sparingly because it is a very special and intimate thing for me. i blinked and encouraged her to start seeking on her terms.

this year, though inauspicious at it's onset feels exciting, fresh, and terrifying to me. i'm going to try to spend the first 2 months of it seeking w/ my whole heart. that means complete detox, quiet focus, and not responding to the many invitations of Complication. i'm a sucker for those invitations, but hell--2010 was a crazy year that left me w/ a hangover. i have 365 days to do things differently.