midnight again.

it's coming to the end of my week of Winter Camp and i've got mixed emotions about hitting up planes, trains, buses, and taxis over to Indonesia tomorrow.
on one hand, the warm weather and adventures that i always meet on the Road are exciting to contemplate, but the stunning news from the past few days has left me feeling restive and exhausted. i don't know if the sun will chase away these negative feelings or if i'll feel haunted by questions and insecurities as i begin to wander. i want to be around people who are *close* and not random merry-makers while i'm feeling so subdued.

though i have been quite fortunate in life, i feel forlorn and i have to ask: why the hell do i alway have to fall into those fucked-up, tragic, statistics?
i know it's dramatic to say "always", but shit. in my general demographic, i'm the only one who's experienced "x", "y", AND now "z". i know i'm certainly not the only person in the world with a closet full of painful experiences--the Net is full of all of those examples of that girl who... or that guy that... but having to experience the top #2, #3, and #6 of the most difficult challenges that are faced by modern-day Western people (according to psychological studies) feels a little unfair.

what the hell is "fair" though? my life has been more than "fair" and privileged in most ways. i just have the very American attitude of entitlement. we all want freedom from pain. it's a ridiculous notion.

anyway, i'm feeling a little conflicted about the timing of this all. i'd finally gotten to the point where i'd been feeling *ready* to stop with the wholly selfish manner in which i had been living. this was not in a superficial burst of surrender based upon some "high" or experience. i had just felt that i had been coming into the understanding what is actually meaningless and what is *not*.
this was followed by the News.
my heart sank. is sinking. and i'm asking the "why" question--more out of sadness and regret, rather than actually wondering "why?".
i know exactly *why*. i know the principles. i'm talking about the scientific ones.
though, damnit. it sucks to pay for something after the fact like this, huh? and the cost is too fucking high for that paltry, transient product. i have nothing to show for it now but lesions and inevitable, declining health.

UGH. resignation.

this is life. my life.

i will allow these moments of blackness about this for now and for maybe about a week. and then, no more.
i need a chance to grieve--and even if that means i'll be spending part of my travels to a tropical island in rainy cloud,
fuck. this my life that is happening and it's ok to feel sadness when something bad happens.

in the end, it's really really ok, and i know that.

i talked to a girlfriend from Chicago this morning over a piece of toast while i was waiting out the clock to go to class:
me: "so, allow me to be philosophical about this for a moment: even if i get the big "C" and worst comes to worst--even the 'worst' is not a bad thing."
her: "...umm, the phone's cutting out, so i'm not even totally sure what you're saying but, if you're talking about dying..."
me: "aw, c'mon--of course i'm talking about dying--we're all going into that space at some point."
her: "well, philosophy aside, i know that you'll be ok--so, can you stop being philosophical?"
me: "look woman. if there's ever a time for me to indulge in this kind of rant, it is now... i'm just trying to get the tears out--i know i've gotten myself a little screwed here. i need to let myself feel this pain."
her: "i know, Mary. i know."

readers: i'm not dying tomorrow, or the next day, or presumably in the next 20 years--but, who can count on that stuff anyway?