by night-light

damnit.
my life has been fairly consequence-free, despite my free-spirited relationship with danger.
suddenly i'm faced with unexpected consequences due to my wild romping and i have to shake my head at God's bizarre ways.

well, i guess that's bullshit. how can i possibly hold God responsible for the natural fallout of my own misbehavior? if anything, He's been warning me all this time--for many many years. and in fact, i've dodged the bullet a statistically improbable number of times; it's only sensible that some artillery finally ripped through my flesh.

well, nothing has changed. not really.
a few hours ago, i was informed of a potentially serious health problem. a problem that was not really known of, much less tested for 30-40 years ago. sooo... what can i say to this?
in my case, our medical advances have simply gotten better informed of the name of the thing going wrong with my body. there is more knowledgeability on the tactics of the demon that's fucking around in my system--but, to what end? what is the point of knowing said demon's name if the word "untreatable" gets thrown in next to it?

and so, what can i say?
except,
i'm dying. but that's been true since i first opened my eyes to my mother's face.
you're dying too, you know.
**i know that this probably sounds a little histrionic, i apologize. but, i feel like i'm allowed a moment of dramatization after getting the News and then hitting up the Net and reading words like "high-risk" and "no known cure" and... shit. i don't want to put that dirty word up on here.**

i called a friend that i've become close to these days, and her emotional sway was crazier than mine. i'm not sure if it's b/c it doesn't quite feel real?--but i feel pretty calm. maybe a little pissed. and a little regretful--and i hardly experience that emotion anymore.
however, mainly i feel a non-negative form of resignation.

honestly, whenever it's my time to go, it's my time, huh?

she kept saying, "it's going to be ok, i know it's going to be ok."
and i kept saying, "i know i know."
her: "well, Wikipedia says the majority..."
me: "...majority means 51%. plus, it doesn't matter what Wikipedia says. no matter what happens, i'm going to be ok."
her: "i know you will. most people are fine--you'll be fine."
me: "even if my health isn't fine, i know that i'll be ok. i'm not in charge anyway."
her: "if i were a praying person..."
me: "God listens to everyone's prayers, even if we don't know Him very well."
her: "then i'll pray."
me: "i would appreciate that."

my eyes feel kinda watery writing this out. not because i'm afraid of death or disfigurement or the implications that this news could have on my future. i feel emotional because i know that God can see me typing this out, by midnight night-light, surrounded by sleeping travelers, in a Jeju hostel. He can see everything inside my heart and mind and even in my bloodstream. and i can sense just how much He loves me. His daughter.

so, i can still say: 2011, so far, so good.