reflections and pre-travel mental prep

it's Tuesday, January the 11th.
it's hard to believe that i've got 5 days before i'll be on the move again. Jeju Island for a Winter Camp, then landing back in Seoul on Friday at 5:30pm, only to leave for Indonesia on the red eye at 11:20pm that same evening.

i have spent the last week and a 1/2 being a very non-productive agent in the world, and i've been excusing myself by saying how *sick* i've been. i've had a sinus-y head cold since the 1st of the year--my girlfriend gave it to me the night i cooked her dinner. i can't smell anything and my head feels like there's a strange hollow echo in it for most of the day.
all i've done is watch copious amounts of TV, read half-way through a murder-mystery, written in my journal, cooked/ate, and hit the gym 5 of 6 days a week. i've washed ONE load of laundry, vacuumed my floor, and have had brief moments of panic when i've considered the fact that i've got 2 pretty big trips to pack/plan for (and not much time to do it). it's a long list, but really, it's been 11, 24 hour days.

but, it's been a relaxing time. though i feel like a bit of a bump on a lump, this respite has given me a chance to regroup. if laziness is the only thing my neurosis is forcing me to feel guilty about, i'm pretty sure i can live w/ myself.

so, i'm regrouping.
i've completely sequestered myself in my apartment, only emerging for the gym, the grocery store, and the occasional coffee/dinner.
yesterday i met up with the woman whose wallet i had found on the train. there were about 12 different credit cards and nearly $200 in cash in it; though i (of course) felt slightly tempted by all of those green bills, i had to shake my head and think about how many times i've been the benefactor of the "Golden Rule".
and well, even if i hadn't been, i've got more money in this world than a dozen families in the average developing country. i know i'm incredibly fortunate; never have i been served wrong when i've consciously choose to trust in the Source of my blessings/wealth, rather than trying to personally hoard anything.

since the 1st, i've had time to quiet my thoughts and my heart about *me*. i will never ever be perfect, but i'm learning how to be ok with that. who knew that grounding/centering yourself back on the planet was such a process?
i've got a steady handle on things for right now and it feels pretty good. i'm trying to only respond to invitations from people that there can be a healthy mutuality. but, this isn't always possible--even though i've hidden in my warm little cave, i still am getting the occasional call to enter into noisy, smoky, sexy bars. to these obligations, i come out early, steel myself with the choice to be *loving*, then pull out my most recent hi-jinks to get a few laughs. i make a few connections, cough my lungs up around the smokers, then do double kisses on cheeks--pleading some lame excuse (like needing to make it to a booty-call). however, the more i go to these things, the tighter i have to grit my teeth at the apparent uselessness of it all.

shit. i'm being really high-brow, aren't i?

but really--i'm just tired of all of these unsubstantive events that are social just for the sake of being social. i'm not sure what i would presume to be substantive, but i wish for conversations that exist outside of the arena of self-pleasure or aggrandizement. SURE, i'm a arrogant hedonist myself--but can't we get excited about other things?

additionally, i'm done with the whole party scene for now. it's FINALLY happened. i'm tired of the late LATE nights, the boring conversations, and the super grope-y, super trashed 20-somethings that are just hoping to get laid.

i say all this knowing i'll be on 2 different party islands in less than 2 weeks. there'll be dancing and beautiful, moonlit bodies, and plenty of tantalizing opportunities to engage in debauchery.
but, the more research i do, the more opportunities i'm finding to get away from the partying/beaten path and experience nature in outdoor activities. i've been longing to be outside and breathing un-recirculated air since the Winter blues have descended. this'll have to be a conscious choice i make before i land in Yogyakarta, Indonesia.

i am easy prey to hedonism and it's been quite a while since i've engaged in certain carnal gratifications. vacation is nearing and entitlement for satisfaction and avoidance of discomfort always sets in. at the end of the day, i'm not one to feel like it's a personal apocalypse if i make *those* choices, but again: 2011 is my year for doing things differently.

i'm going to remember i've written this blog and re-read it after my trip. i'll give an honest recounting if decide to give one.

change is never easy, but i've gotta allow the process to begin to unfold
some place.
some time.
a celibate, surfing, hiking, teetotaling, snorkeling, maniacal neurotic on the Indonesian Islands in January of Twenty-Eleven? i hope that's as fun as it sounds.