disorganized ramble backwards and on

since i've been able to think outside of this box of my body, i have had existential crises on nearly a quarterly basis. i know this is ridiculous to say so casually, but i'm often too fuckin' serious and it comes up. often. well, usually about a couple times a year.

damnit. i wish i could be a little more blasé about life. but i'm unable to go for too long w/o questioning my existence on this planet--you know the questions:

why am i here?
is there a purpose? a plan?
is there a unique Plan for ~my~ life?
these things that happen, these people that i meet, things that fall apart--is there meaning in all of this?
can i get some fries with this bittersweet shake?

there is no rest for the wicked. none. you know i'm an insomniac.

these metaphysical pangs
this damnable existential crisis
but i had yet another conversation (among dozens) that reminded me for the second time in two weeks, it's a process:
(why can't i ever get it straight?)

i don't know if i could do it. i don't know if, in the face of... such... horrible.. what is the word...
brutality?
yes, brutality... i would've given up. i've heard these stories about God and endurance through the worst of the worst... and then i hear how they still stood. they stood up despite pain and...
crushing agony?
yes. and you using these words to describe what you went through... i can't even imagine standing up. i would be lying, blown away. you said you dealt with those horrible months--what June through August?
huh. you remember i said that? ...yeah. it was... unbelievable... torturous at times.
maybe i would've said, 'screw you God'
maybe.
but i hear these stories. many of them lately. you guys surviving the unimaginable. and then you have an even stronger belief in the Truth. like you knew that despite the daily reality--i mean, everyday you knew you'd be dealing with horrible pain--
devastating. abusive. humiliation. no hyperbole.
indeed. i can't even conceptualize. but something was more Real than that. that you knew...
... i knew... ...the reality of pain was less real than God.
...again, i must ask: is this what God requires of us?
i don't know. sometimes. maybe no times for some. you know that whole 'God never requires of us what we can bear'--i was convicted. there was ~nothing~ inside of me that wanted to try to keep my marriage together. nothing. even w/in the first few weeks. i was completely toasted. torn apart and then chopped up and deep fried and then smashed into a pulpy mess with a grimy piss mop on the dirtiest men's bathroom floor. in China.
(smile, chuckle)
i had already taken my wedding ring off--i was grudgingly wearing it around my neck. even then, it felt like a fucking choking leash. but, during that conversation i had w/ P Min, i heard God speaking to my heart. i knew that He knew what i could bear. and then i cried and cried and cried. i couldn't believe what He was asking me to do.
see? i couldn't have. i wouldn't have.
and so, you might not have been asked if you were in my position. but He knows us. He knows what we can bear. what we could handle. apparently, He knew i could handle some fucked up shit... and that inevitably, it would only bring me closer to understanding Him and His character.
i just can't imagine what that would've been like.
well, it wasn't all torture. it was a crazy awful, but amazing time. there were these moments when i was hurting so bad and i didn't even know what i needed. i just wanted to die and then talk to Jesus in the clouds about how He promised all that vengeance stuff... but, something always seemed to happen when i was going through that. there would be a Scripture that would sing to me. people would randomly call me--even @ 2:30 in the morning while my face was in damp puddles on the carpet. my brother swung by around 4am one time to pray w/ me. it was just enough. always just enough to get through to the next second, the next minute, then pockets of hours.

email 7/9/08:
...i couldn't sleep last night (for various reasons) one being that i feel like God is doing something amazing in my heart. i cried my eyes out when i woke up yesterday morning, but after i had a chance to meet God last night, this afternoon when i got up, i was filled w/ a joy and peace that makes absolutely no sense. God is good to me. even though Chris said he would be home over an hour ago, and now doing who knows what, God is still really really good. i read this psalm today and it's making me cry:

"I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you." [Psalm 143: 6-8]

the rest of it really good--of course, but you can read it yourselves. thank you all for your prayers, support, and listening to all of my sarcastic commentary about my messed up life. God is really really good.

mucho love
Mary
***

i just want to affirm you... that i can see God infused in your life.
uh. huh? like the cigarette i'm smoking?
you know that means nothing.
you know i'm being facetious.
it's... inspiring? i don't know if i could do what you did.
ugh! stop it. that sounds awful. i don't like those kinds of words to describe something i didn't do. but, God-infused? hmmm... that's... i'll have to think about that... are you having a crisis of faith?
not anymore than i usually experience.
i'm on the verge of one. but in a different way from you, i think. very uneasy about that.
i know you're going to get through that and the next one and probably figure things out w/ even more clarity.
clarity. sounds almost magical @ this juncture.