people are beautiful II: fugue

i can't keep it in
it'll make me explode

so my darlings,
my close folks
you beautiful incidentals
and the dear adventitious rabble from the past and future

if you don't want my guts all over you
stop asking relevant questions
because i cannot lie
because i will not sugary candy coat my fucking life
melting mass of Alexander the Grape
bleeding piles of synthetic confection

in my dreams
swinging bottle
shattering burst of light
skull reverberating with a loud crack
sometimes i can still hear it

but i'm filled with Love somehow
Grace.
there is no other word
disbelieve if you will, but it was my choice
it is my choice
and that's why such a thing as Love can truly exist

and then a decade later
crying,
kneeling,
wailing on dirty brown carpet
the deep aching flexing in the pit
murder pushing outwards against my ribs
tearing
it ripped out
ruptured chambers of flesh
it all spilled out
with boiling slippery coils of intestines
bloody bile soaking deep into synthetic fibers

but there was still Love
a deep deep Love
unimaginable

***
so, there we were
a member of the dear adventitious and i
a cup of jasmine and a cup of peppermint
sipping gingerly, i spoke gingerly and laughed

'despite the circumspect nature of our conversation, i'm still fascinated', i said
a burst of laughter, "circumspect! it is circumspect, isn't it?... i'm curious, but i want to be respectful and not ask personal questions unless..."
'i'm an open book to anyone who can ask a real question. i wouldn't eat dinner and have tea with someone i would mind being straight with. ask me.'
"fair enough... so, you've said you think you can move forward, you can move on, that you have moved on... how can you possibly move on?"
'i... well... i hate to use this kind of language, but it was "redemption"... i can no longer be circumspect. can you handle it?'
nodding, he affirmed.
deep breath. i recounted:

*
spoken love,
the words hung outside of our bodies
his green eyes spoke them to me,
they reassured me
they promised me

but a switch
flipped

sharp knife
abuse
enraged fists pounding,
they never stopped pounding
deeply
into the bruising bruising apricot in my chest
pulp
homicide
those hate-filled eyes

and then, there was the call to Love

but Lord, i can't! i can't!
but I can. I can. you can.
but i can't! You're asking too much!
do you love Me? do you love Me enough to trust Me?
...i trust You. i hurt. but i trust You. there is nothing else i can trust in.

tear soaked brown carpet
slamming doors
sleeping outside
I HATE YOU.
but i love you
furious foot stomping tantrums: BUT I HATE YOU. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND I HATE YOU?
i do understand. but i love you.
ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? I HATE YOU.
i understand.

Lord. am i crazy? why am i doing this?
do it for Me. I Love you. I Love you.
You Love me?
forever.
forever? tears. forever.

and so it went.
for two and a half months
it went and went and went and went
it went
silent screams
forever Lord?
I Love you forever.
forever. tears.

forever.

this pain. this grief. i began to understand what He knew. what He endured.
and then i began falling apart. my seams began to loosen.

i cannot do this anymore. i cannot breathe. i can't breathe.
my child. darling daughter. Mary. I Love you forever. Peace. take this Peace. let go. it's time to go.

this unimaginable Love.
i let go.
*

cold soaking jasmine and peppermint leaves
my calm voice recounting
but his spilling tears, "is this what we are called to endure? is this what we need to go through to understand His Love? His Grace?"
'honestly... honestly. i know it'll sound crazy for me to say this... but, only if we're lucky.'
shaking head. he continued to wipe tears.
'i'm not saying i'm perfectly whole. i'm not saying my life is together... i'm saying that i feel fortunate to have lived through this all, and have come to a deeper knowledge of Love and what His Love for me is about. i feel lucky to have that glimpse of the divine'

we had to run through the refreshing chilliness to catch the midnight train

"there are still echoes of your pain", is the last thing i remember he said.
***

though i was convinced he was kind of wrong
it gave me something to think about