self-imposed sentencing

obsessing is probably not going to make it any better. however:
today, i took a break outside in the slowly changing tides between the Winter and Spring. Spring comes earlier in Korea than i'm used to. i love this time of year. i feel like i'm getting a sweet gift--one that i had forgotten that i had been longing for, but got early.
the receding chill meeting and then mixing with an advancing wave of warm breathing. when the Winter buds begin to break. the flora with all of it's amazingly designed cells, differentiating and pulling into form. petals and leaves. unfolding, unwinding outward. slightly damp leaves like the soft perspire on sleeping cheeks.

my ever-present iPod was playing the same 4 songs i've been playing for the past 2 weeks whenever i've wanted to isolate and drown myself in music that makes my heart beat faster and my feet involuntarily stomp the ground.

i'll miss the apple blossoms this year. sad.

lighting a smoke, i enjoyed the rich burning sienna on my tongue. the sharp inhale and oh-so-good sear hitting the back of my throat. why does this taste so delicious? under this misty Korean sky? contemplating the Spring with such hyperbole?

i watched that enormous red crane swiveling clockwise away from me. another measure of time.
i was struck with a terror.
a panic.
this must end. this will come to an end.
and worse, this will be intentional. my deliberate choice.

damnit. for a few gold coins.
well. and for my health.
95 more days.
i have taken the liberty to count them.