ramble forwards, sideways, migraine on the left side

i'm meandering.
there is tension in that for me.

i'm living in that overly chronicalized humdrum world of "freedom".
eh. overly chronicalized or not, it's where i'm at.

it's that cheesy cliched kind where i feel a sudden joy as the perfectly chilled Spring wind hits my cheeks. where music sounds sweeter, more exciting, more beautiful, more interesting; voices, harmonies, harmonics, syncopated beats playing loudly in my ears as i stomp purposefully down crowded streets to nowhere in particular.

no one to answer to.
it's glorious in it's own way.

will i smoke another smoke? yes. as a matter of fact, i will. b/c i feel like it. i will lean against this dirty building in downtown Shinchon and light up another cigarette. i'll stare you down as you stare me down. and then i'll smile. and surprised, you'll smile back, maybe ask me for a light, and then give me a discombobulated look because you can hear my English accented Korean. but, i'll continue to smile and maybe brashly wink b/c i know it might make you feel slightly disturbed--but in a friendly way.

let's mix up those emotions, shall we? let's taste those different combinations of flavors. pain, joy, confusion, sheepishness--and then let's mix it up with a few bad choices and fortuitous occurrences.
but let's have no regrets.

but, then i'm also experiencing a sense of being lost.
flashes of panic.
sometimes.
i suddenly think i'm waking to a living nightmare; what am i doing on this street? nothing familiar among these shoulder-to-shoulder crowds, thousands of grim faces. how did i get here? living in a teachers' dorm overlooking these dreary hills and ramshackled homes, criss-crossing power lines. where are my feet planted?

this impermanence. these constantly shifting changes.

or do they need to be planted someplace? is that what i should be looking for? am i just torturing myself w/ these questions? should i just be enjoying this hiatus? should i simply revel in being lacksidaisical and happy that there are no fetters? no specific drive to be intentional and deliberate?

blah blah.
so there's this dumb tension.

it's really about nothing.
or maybe it's about everything?