i'm the kind of person who thinks she's always in touch w/ what's going on internally. i process my process w/ the external world; i can't keep it in. i will talk to people, journal, chat online, type until my vision gets blurry. at nights, i lay on my side, curled up in sheets and a turquoise blanket, talking to God as the late late evening blends into the early early morning.
sometimes when i can't handle it anymore or just can't talk about it, i get this itch to self-medicate extensively. i can briefly forget and be distracted. it's ugly.
sounds exhausting? it is. i don't know why i'm built this way. i wish i could stop being so expressive and not wear all of my emotions all over my sleeve and down the front of my shirt and into a puddle at my feet. i'm thinking that i should try to use these crazy tendencies for good rather than all that other stuff. i believe even my messy is somehow redeemable.
lately, i've been wondering what good could come from a person like me?--not so much in a self-deprecating way. this is more of an exploratory question than anything. 2009. i'm sure i'll get some more things figured out this year. i'm really beginning to enjoy this semi-painful process of getting older.
but, as life has been unfolding--even as i've been becoming familiar w/ Korea, the intensity of my emotions has not yet been dulled down by the daily grind. i like it, actually. too long have i been experiencing life as a tepid dream. i think that's what it means when He said: "I am making everything new" (rev. 21: 5). i really want to live in that sentiment. somehow.
all of that is to say, as of late, i've been having a series of surprise reactions to my emotions. sometimes my responses haven't been what i expected them to be. or i've had these moments where i'll be hit w/ pain or pleasure or confusion or some other feeling and not be able to identify where it's all coming from. i'm hoping it's menstrual. i should probably keep better track of that.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment