hiatus

this'll be a messy blog entry--i'm not even going to edit.

i've printed out my blog and it's over 200 pages of text. insane. anyway, in the past two weeks i've gone and begun reading about all the craziness and have finally formulated an idea of what i'm writing and where it's going to end.

so, for those of you who keep up w/ what i'm writing, i'll let you know when i'm starting back up--i imagine in about 2 weeks from now.

it was extraordinarily exciting to read and read and read the stuff i've written this year. it's incredible the insanity have i've gone thru from the emotional to the situational. i realize so much more about myself and have come to a strange sense of philosophy about why i'm on this earth. finally. i think that this is why i can start this book--b/c now i've figured *something* out, no matter how paltry.

some missteps and mistakes to record for today. it took me a ridiculous situation w/ a Korean boy, who had one of the sweetest of dispositions (tho he stalked me a little) to fully fully get to the point of feeling settled in my singlehood.
i don't want to hurt nice boys. and i don't want to be hurt either. this will definitely happen if i engage w/ any of them right now. particularly if they aren't longer-term material (which would also frighten me).
and hell! i don't want to have to answer to anyone right now. i love the freedom of being involved in all of the activities i'm involved in and meeting different people every night. i'm investing in some new and wonderful friendships (tho i won't be able to keep pace forever... it is burning me out a little). i don't have to feel bad that i'm leaving anyone behind @ home--as i did w/ my ex-husband.

last week, over smokes and crisp Fall weather, i said to Praise: you know, i'm really happy these days. i know i've done some stupid and crazy shit in the past few months, but i am actually beginning to feel more stable.
pause. thoughtful look @ the curling smoke from her cigarette: "i can see that you're actually happy. a few months ago, you were saying the same thing--and emotionally, you seemed happy in the moment, but you were subject to be shaken by an awful thought or memory. today, you're actually doing it. it seems like you're getting your identity together and doing things that you want to do."
i feel like i'm chasing myself down. and finally figuring out who that is and who that is not.

this is a spoiler for the end of my book.
today, i'm really living happy.

pressing reset. again.

hrumph. well, again. another 72 hours, another sordid story about the problematic choices one might make when muddling through the murky waters of this adult life.

i'm not feeling annoyed w/ myself, though maybe i should. it's mysterious how one falls into these same cycles. i feel like i'm making the same kinds of decisions i made 10 years go.
though i am older and wiser and can have a better perspective about myself as a single woman in this soju soaked city, i desperately need to find better, healthier outlets for myself.

the last handful of times i've gone out, i've been propositioned to go to a motel or go home by @ least one or two men. i find this very mysterious for several reasons.
i am certainly not the prettiest thing in the world, nor do i dress in an overly sexual manner. if anything, i've taken to the baggier style of Korean dress that hides my body, rather than flaunts it. i have no idea what i'm putting out there that would intimate that i would have any sort of interest in a slutty night of gratification.
of course, i have not gone home w/ any of these lackluster men, despite the fact that they are often pretty good-looking and have sometimes been charming up until the point that this request exits their mouths.

when i was single, a decade back, i don't remember the scene to be so crass. i did go home w/ different men, or had them over @ my place, but i never actually slept w/ any of them. but, i remember how dirty that film of misguided decisions felt. there was the paradoxical feeling of wanting them to stay and wanting them to get the hell out of my face. there were actually a few that wanted to continue the relationships after the sun came back up, but i was always too disgusted w/ myself--and them, to want to.

i've been extemporizing about how i like single life and the wonderful things that come along w/ it. however, swimming against the current of this swirling drain isn't easy, particularly after you've allowed yourself to idle towards the middle. it's twice as much work to get back to the edge of the sink and pull yourself out.
let me ennumerate the pros of singlehood so i don't forget:
i'm investing in myself (hiking, acting, writing, reading, smiling)
i'm investing in others--new friends, new activities, funfunfun
i like myself and my emotions aren't so erratic when i'm single
i can do whatever the hell i want, whenever the hell i want, and i answer to *nobody*
my self is getting better rounded and developed
i'm crying less and laughing a whole lot more

this appears to be a no-brainer.
i hope i don't prove myself to be a dog returning to its vomit.

reflections after a weekend

many many things can happen in the space of 72 hours.

i am certainly a fallible creature and have been shaking my head about my indiscretions over the past weekend. however, i made some good decisions--well, one in particular. it did not cancel out the host of slightly unhealthy decisions that i had made, but it didn't turn a scandalous decision into a colossal, tragic mistake. i promised myself in the past year that i *wouldn't* such-and-such, and for once, i did not.
whew. maybe i'm growing a little? possible.

so, this time around, after having stumbled and made a few errors, i won't fall into the self-deprecating annoyance that i always fall into. this is new. this is good.

anyway, enough w/ the veiled comments--i know how irritating it must be to read enigmatic statements about scandal w/o a more thorough description. i've just realized that maybe i need to keep some of this stuff to myself, lest i remind myself how often i fall into the same muddy pit.
what's the use of endlessly recounting what that dirty stain looks like? i need to record those stories in a more appropriate forum--maybe in the tell-all book about what my life has been like, about, etc from before and in the last year. (who would read about this? who knows? me?)
but, it's been quite an amazing year, and i'm excited about where i'm at. i feel *good*.

about a week ago, i was talking w/ a friend about some of the above (and below) thoughts. she marveled that it has only been a little over a year since my life was fucking shattered and splintered into an unknowable mess. i've had a many highs and many many lows during that period. but i finally feel that i have hit an equilibrium. i feel that i've settled down a lot w/ myself and where i'm at--in geography and in life.

i think i've discovered that i'm a likable person?
not perfect by any means, but i like to laugh and hear people's stories and make people happy. i think i'm pretty good at forming real bonds and connections w/ anyone who's amenable to that.

although, meeting people in Korea has been somewhat difficult.
the ex-pats are super young or like to party a little too hard (which i'm prone to slip into if i'm not careful). bottom line, there's just not a commonality of interests and these kids are just at a different place in life. i've been there and i didn't like it. i was fairly discontent and didn't actively pursue things. i'm still working on that, but i'm beginning to find things that i absolutely love to do.

so, how to find the 'quality' of people that there is a commonality of interests and like-mindedness? i think that there really isn't a formula. i think it's simply--just get out there as *much* as possible. try everything. taste touch feel smell fumble around with everything.
i was doing this for the past few months (when i wasn't busy w/ everything else). most people actually sucked pretty bad, but, eventually i met a soulmate here and there. finding people who match w/ you that you can really connect w/ is an incredible blessing and feat. it only comes w/ time and patience.

i've also realized how much i love hiking. i love the burn of my muscles and the sweat that forms on my body and face. i love looking at landscapes from high above and seeing how enormous, yet how strangely small the world is. this feels good. it feels healthy.

i also love singlehood, though my body resists this. i love not having to answer to anyone. i'm running out to meet people almost every night this week and weekend--(admittedly, this is a little exhausting)--but i'm investing in people i'm actually interested in. i can do whatever i damn well please. i love that i can stay out until any hour i feel like, and then crash at a jimjilbahng in the middle of the early morning hours. i'm accountable only to myself, and now that i'm beginning to like myself, this too feels good and healthy.

though there is the other side of it.
one of the things i miss most about being w/ a significant other is the time spent around sleep. falling asleep while being pulled in close; an arm around my body. then being awoken to warm kisses on my neck.
being touched is nice. after having tasted it a few times of late, my body craves the closeness.
but is it worth losing this newfound freedom?

the tangles of midweek

here are some random thoughts about nothing in particular:

you've heard the classical cases of the psych grad student who self-diagnoses him/herself w/ every manner of clinical disorder. i think i've come to terms w/ the episodic Major Depression i experience once/twice a year. yikes. and i know it's in the clinically relevant range.
BUT, my near euphoria is making me wonder if i should actually be diagnosed with Bi-Polar II, or possibly Cyclothymia. i think i might be a little Hypomanic right now. could be.
or maybe i'm just living in the freedom that comes from finally shutting doors on things that were leading to certain death. that can put a girl into a good mood as well.

friendships. how strange they can be. you love and then you're irritated. you feel like you've said too much, become too vulnerable--but then you realize you would give your life for those people. when you meet someone you really connect w/, it's this enormous blessing. i've met a few people in the past few months that i hope will be a part of my life for the duration of my life. one in particular has a complicated past that clashes extremely w/ my complicated past. but, i don't believe in coincidence.
God, You're crazy odd sometimes.

i've been somewhat obsessive about food and weight for the past 2 months, but when i stopped caring about it 2 weeks ago, i lost about 2Kg. go figure.
i just nibbled down 2 of those delicious Ferrero Rocher chocolates i 'won' from my girlfriend's 30th birthday party. i had an absolutely unfair advantage in that birthday game. afterall, we're close enough that she always wraps her super smooth legs around me whenever i'm laying down. her fingers always seems to interlock w/ mine when we walk together. her affection is quite forthcoming--almost demandingly instinctual for those she cares about. anyway, the chocolates were yummy and i will remain feeling guilt-free. for today.

i've been wondering about myself these days. there are certain people in my life that are really testing my patience. i've been having these moments w/ these two very different women in very different contexts. i want to believe that i'm a loving person, but when i get served the backhand w/ a spiteful comment or a bitingly selfish action, i get super frustrated. i end up talking shit, or serving one back. generally pretty subtly. it's a little passive-aggressive. this disturbs me about myself. sigh. i'm a work in progress, i suppose.

men and women. Korean culture. being 30. these things are odd and confusing at times. i'm a very straight-to-the-point kind of gal, so when i'm met w/ what i perceive to be flirtation, followed w/ with very 'friend'ly behavior, i'm not sure what to make of it. why can't people just be *clear*? there are always risks involved when flirting w/ someone, but in the end, isn't it better to just go on a date and see if there's any chemistry? if there's none, let's skip the awkward sex and just connect as friends. can men and women be close close friends at this age? i certainly hope so. but i think it's unusual, and fraught w/ complications.
ha! you grow up thinking that adults have it together, but inevitably you realize: no one seems to know what the hell they're doing. people overthink things, make up their own dumbass rules about nothing, and then break them all. it's lame.

so, one-forty-one in the AM and i'm actually feeling tired at this decent hour. i'm going to do a little reading and then sleep on these things. good night.

of Today

about 2 weeks ago, i had a bit of a sorrowful cry. one of my closest friends was leaving my side of the world and though i expected to see her again, my heart ached.

this summer was anything but stable to me, but having her around brought a measure of grounding. this was not an ever present or prevailing thought that occurred to me while she was around, but her presence reminded me of revelations i had experienced a year ago.
the thing about revelations at the age of 30 is that they just don't seem new anymore. just lessons that are relearned. and you just end up feeling like a dumb ass b/c you realize you've lost focus yet again.

life is good.
this has been true all along, and i've had joyful sparkles and flashes throughout the past few months, years, etc--but living in contentment for me was always tenuous and faltering.

this time
i'm not doing surgery on myself, but i've decided to surrender my will. i cannot have full control over my destiny. paradoxically, this makes my life's journey is so much more clear and simple.
now, this is not to say that i won't vacillate nor commit some of the same fuck-ups. this is not to say that the cycling emotional traps aren't still laid out in land mine fashion as they were before.
but, this is to say that my life path does not have to be dictated by me and i don't have to live in such a harried, anxious state of what's to come. release.
in Korean, the expression goes: my heart has become loosened, untangled.

how do i know that things are different this time?
b/c this peace has been coupled w/ action. i am proactively making the choice to stop certain stupidities. i am choosing to let go and allow myself to more fully experience the blessing of today.
who cares that it's taken me this long? no more yesterday (for today anyway). no more tomorrow. no more ecclesiastical sorrows about the meaninglessness of all of it. just today! this day is grand.

i am happy to live and sing and be in this skin
i am thrilled that i don't have to answer to anyone about this
this is Mine
let me declare that
the air tastes delicious on my tongue
the fall is coming! it's coming! my favorite season
i am Loved and i deeply deeply love
i feel rested--my headaches have been disappearing--how fleeting this has been since i can remember
the sun feels amazing and the beads of sweat on my upper lip are welcome
my eyes have beheld some of the most common sights
but i've experienced them as amazing
i feel alive and healthy and have energy
i love being in this skin
i am blessed that i can be happy
that i can enjoy today
i am so grateful

finding my road

discomfort inside the insides.
oh how troubling--the pain, the repeated mistakes, the dizzying confusion
self-loathing.

these cycles; they tumble and trip and shatter bone and gash the surface, laying open skin.
the rotting mass. exposed.
inexpert eyes stare blankly at the fetid mess
needle and twine
fumbling fingers
piercing scaly skin
closing up the growing infection upon itself

maybe it'll get better if i just leave it alone?

no longer. i can't do this fucked up surgery on myself anymore.
i won't.
i will watch the sun setting and then rise again
rising again
i will feast on this one breath
remembering what it means to be grateful
remembering the Grace that keeps my heart beating--though sometimes i wish it would falter

but knowing that these days
this one today..
i can be in Love
i don't have to try so damn hard
holding on so tightly with my poisoned arms around my poisoned chest
this only keeps this poison in

this one Today
letting go of desire
letting go of my preconceptions of purpose and direction
letting go of self-mutilation and control
letting go of mistakes

this breath that enters my lungs and diffuses into aveoli
this is enough for today
a measure of peace
enough to weigh these lids down
for hope
for rest

hiking up Jirisan: II

it's a strange sensation to walk into the darkness. especially so when you know that the terrain in front of you is uneven and treacherous. banging a toe or a shin sucks even worse when it's against the edge of a sharp rock. but we walked along--mostly in pairs--and at least one of us carried a flashlight or a torch.

a forest at night is surreal. you know that you're out-of-doors, but the surrounding trees and leaves lends to the perception of being inside. the torch lights uneven hallways and you follow the path that is lit before you.

we walked between porous walls created by tree trunks, branches, and foliage.

until the sky began to change.

the stars began to lose their brilliance as our dark backdrop began to diffuse into that cold morning color. the dark leafy walls seemed to open outward. the flashlights and torches were shut off one by one.

though our conversations had become more muted from our initial start, the approaching sun seemed to reset all of our circadian rhythms into an alert daytime mode. we pressed forward, eagerly looking for the right spot to greet the morning blaze.

"over here! over here!" called our guide from far ahead.

we raced towards his voice and suddenly paused at the edge of the mountain.
a horizon of mountains; dark crinkled velvet, rising and falling. the early blue fog filled the valleys between and further back. the craggy peaks below us peeked through the fog. they looked like islands in the sky.

eyes met the air between the earth and the clouds. my breath caught.
why would a yellow sun create streaks of pink, blue, orange, and indigo?
yet somehow it did. it does.
inexplicable. i have watched this daily miracle too few times in the past some--11,000 days since i've begun roaming the planet.
the colors before me shifted like slowly moving flames.
a moment. a painting.

i remembered that a friend and i watched the sky change colors like this every morning for 4 months. we watched the sun bring the world to life for an entire semester. this was about 10 years ago.
i will watch this more often. i promise.

and then it was daytime. the landscape rippled with rich greens and browns. the cleanest blue. the air tasted of breathing trees.
i will taste this more often. i promise.
thank You thank You thank You.

we were 3 hours in. we had about 10 more to go.

hiking up Jirisan: I

at 3:30am on Saturday morning, me and about 150 other hikers spilled blearily out of the KTX into a tiny little town in the southern part of the peninsula. it was a 4 hour train ride from Seoul--my current home. strange that i call it that even now. home.
it felt far away, but that felt ok.

the air tasted different down there somehow. crisper--more clean. bluish? it's hard to describe. given my inability to sleep in moving vehicles, needless to say, i was tired and apprehensive about the journey that we were about to embark upon. we were told it would be a 13 hour hike.

what the fuck was i thinking?? i asked myself repeatedly, as i could already feel my leg muscles cramping up. the taxi screeched around corners up the side of the mountain and i bit on my thumbnail to quell the rising panic. there really wasn't any way out. not for the next 13 hours anyway.

this was my choice.
you're doing this as a challenge. you're doing this to stretch yourself. you can do this. it will be beautiful. fabulous.
you're beautiful and fabulous.

taking a few deep breaths, i curled my fingers tightly around the strap of the sling that carried my trail mix, 2 peaches, my notebook, my Bible, a change of clothes, a blanket, my pack of menthol cigarettes, and my miscellaneous. when we stepped out of the taxi, the cold mountain air whipped around us. the whole group shivered and tightened their hoodies and jackets around them.
what happened to the summer?

i sat on the ground and rummaged around my bag for an energy bar as i stretched my legs and arms.

"c'mon c'mon! let's go!" yelled our guide, and upward we began to trudge into the darkness.

as the velvet enfolded us, i saw them. their unmistakable cold brilliance against the black. i had faintly seen the Little Dipper and the Big Dipper a few weekends before in the middle of the night atop a mountain in the grand city of Seoul, but this was *different*.

i have seen this many stars in the middle of the backwoods of Tennessee; when i have driven all night in different directions across the US--from the Midwest to the East coast to the South; in Maui on a post dusky beach; on a mountain rising out of the South sea. a few times in my life i have paused and beheld that kind of sky.

but after 9 months of yellowed Seoul horizons, the sweeping, forever bright sparks that i knew were there seemed almost fictional. like something i had read in a book or had only seen in photographs.

but there they were, these shards of bright nestled into the clearest black.

you've seen these--sometimes you'll stretch your hand out b/c they look so large, so close, you feel like you can touch them; your fingers catching only the faintest rays.


but tonight. this felt real. this was tangible.
hello stars. hello Real. hello Life.
thank You for the stars.

with this rush of gratitude, came a slight burst of energy. we started on a flat concrete incline, then onto gravel, then onto larger rocks. turning left, there was a set of stairs that stretched upwards into the dark trees beyond my vision.

whew... it begins.

here it is. August.

Seoul summer. the heat is oppressive. stepping outside is like walking into an oven. your first few breaths are a suffocating blanket. i often have a moment of panic--like i'm not going to be able to get enough oxygen into my lungs.
but when i pause and slow my breathing, my skin warms, and the overall temperature of my blood rises. my panic recedes. i begin to perspire.
though i can sometimes fool myself into forgetting how thick the air feels, my first few moments of daytime summer Seoul always shocks me.

i've had a hard time breathing lately. the whole month of July choked me. i think i'll always slightly hate this month--the frustrating heat, the beautiful, the awful. the fucking violence. the fucking white satin. clean blue skies, Vancouver. dripping tears. sweat. a needle buzzing into my leg. a needle sewing skin. black eyes. those memories. that black bloody darkness.

the month is over. thank God. i can move on, move forward, until next year--and maybe it won't be so severe. maybe that vice grip inside my chest won't be so tight. maybe next time my face won't turn so purple. maybe it'll all be less bloody.
"time. give it time." it's what they all say, right? i even say this, and believe it occasionally. but the problem w/ a calendar is that you can't forget. certain days and months are burned into memories.
damn this emotional bullshit. why am i so damn emotional? i wish i could turn it off. it'd be easier.

Seoul at nighttime gets much cooler. the humidity drops and breathing becomes easier.

i tasted the nightime forest this weekend. i entered the trees around midnight and began tromping up rocks--and then more rocks and boulders. i pulled myself up by tree branches and roots, and wondered if i were completely crazy. what the hell was i thinking?
how could this possibly be a good idea? the inky darkness. the sharp drops. burning muscles. trickling sweat down my back, neck, and face.

and then we hit a clearing. and there was Seoul in all of its et ceteras, a field of lights--they went on and on; orange and blue and pink and green. the streetlamps' lazy curve along the Han River, disappearing behind mountains, then reappearing further along. all of those lights. all of those people. in every direction. on and on it sprawled.

25 million. the tragedies, the hope, the faithful and unfaithful, the grinding mundane, the friendships built and broken, the buzzing TVs, the promises, the kisses, the laughter, the spilled soju. 25 million stories.

we climbed and climbed higher; the trail lost several times and then found, the continuous upward motion seemed interminable at times. the transpiration of the trees cooled our faces as we followed the person in front of us.

another clearing for rest. breezes blew over our sweating, overheated bodies; our lungs filled with the mountain air. i sprawled onto a boulder and stared at the sky:
oh hello there, Big Dipper, Little Dipper, and Orion's belt. and there you are Mars. it's been a long time.

and then the air above grew almost imperceptibly less black. and i could discern which direction was east. dark orangy and scarlet layers, along with pink. we were quiet.

the sky began to glow as the city lights began to fade. the closest mountain ranges were black, fading into dark green, falling back into the valleys of buildings and slowly swirling fog. ranges behind were staggering backwards in depth and brightened by the morning mists; the Artist's paint strokes of the horizon, subtle and never ending.

"there it is"
it's hard to describe. i remembered a story i read in childhood: a 'bright copper penny'.

i've often been awake during the dawn, but i can't remember the last time i actually saw the sun rising out of the edges. the blaze seeped and spilled around the curve of the earth and burned through the fog, warming our cheeks.

in my periphery, someone watched me sighing at the sight.
a murmur of laughter escaped my throat.
i felt the expression turn quizzical.
a smile. a brighter day, a brighter month.

the August sunrise over Seoul.

years behind and years ahead

her name is April
i met her today
she's 62
i'm half her age

i shared
she shared
she's beautiful
she reminded me
i'm not alone
we're not alone

she fights like me
we fight together
she said some things--things that sound completely crazy
but i completely agreed

how can this happen?
how can these outlandish notions be so real for both of us?
we're separated by oceans
time
generations
colors and trees and culture and
the sun, it has blazed
over lifetimes

but our spirits touched
and we could both rely upon Knowing
we know that we'll meet
and laugh in giddiness
we'll hold hands
i'll kiss her cheek
we'll sing as we run
never out of breath

we'll race through the City
together