digging into it: I

so another recap. another backwards musing:

it's funny b/c i was talking to Pree-oz about this, and one year ago, i was defined by one of my closest friends as the most "stable", in terms of "life" and where i was in 'what i was doing': i had a husband of 4+ years, was in school/career mode, was a 'home'owner, was getting my shit together, was thinking maybe, just maybe that it was 'time' to have kids--all of that status quo bullshit. and here's the insanity of it all--i hate status quo.

ok, well, hate is an extreme word--i hate to hate things. but taking that general life path--the expected, typical--in a very unthinking, undeliberate way seems to be a very unsettling way to live. but damnit--i was totally put in my place as all the shit was going down last year. while i was in counseling in the thick of things, and discussing the ins-and-outs of who i am as a person, i expressed my unsettling disturb about status quo. and he asked:
"so what have you done w/ your life that isn't status quo?"
(pause. dramatic pause. gatheringthoughtsgatheringthoughts.) fuck. motherfucker! nothing. absolutely nothing.
"you should keep a check on that tongue of yours."
there are more important things going on right now, P Dave. i'm not pretending here.
"certainly."
but noted. you're probably right.

so, yes. i was "stable", but absolutely not living a life that was authentic to my personhood. i'm still trying to understand the person i am. it's hard to know. when your identity is so wrapped up in another person for a decade (an entire third of my life)... i've been scrambling around trying to gather up the loose scraps of my identity to understand that. i'm not clear in what i'm finding. what does one do in this circumstance? the thing that would seem to make sense to me would be to remember who i was ~before~.

but that girl.

the angry, confused, man-hating, explosive, lost and wandering, drug-abusing, thrill but purpose seeking, insecure little soul. that's not entirely me either. some of that still is, undoutedly. but, i'm trying to tease out that identity and the one that developed afterwards--whilst scrounging around for those more pure and untouched elements that were part of my ex-'love-of-my-life'. i know it's not entirely reasonable to think that i can recreate myself and fully understand my identity w/o my ex, but honestly, i want to try my best to do that. i don't want any part of his fucked up identity and the twisted tragedies that influenced my twisted responses to continue to plague me. again, this is impossible, i know. but let me fool myself while i heal and maybe i can feel that i have some kind of integrity.

so where does that leave me?

feeling again. certainly. i've been more conscious about what i've been feeling--in an intense way--more in the past 10 months than i have in the 5 years previous. and even moreso in the past 4 months since i've been in Korea. it's amazing to not feel like such a bland, washed out piece of overly used terrycloth. still have some of my blandness and frayed edges, but those rainments are like my favorite high school pair of broken in everyday jeans. they had 2 safety-pins fastened to my thigh for 'just-in-case'. they came in handy to clean out various bowls, leaving small dark smears when i refastened them. one of them was forever lost in the ether when a friend's bra snapped. i remember the gap-mouthed expressions of those adolescent boys while i assisted my girlfriend w/ her broken bra strap in the backseat of a Chevy Nova. (giggling protests, of course. stop watching, you idiots! dumb, juvenile games. but, it was fun.) i loved those jeans. i can't remember what happened to them.

why do i recount such random memories?
i think it helps me to recall the whatever i was made of before it all. though i've evolved beyond that ridiculousness, i'll admit that that silly, coquettish sensibility is still very much a part of my personality. God help me. so is that maybe where i start? just naming things that begin to form the outline--the shape of who this girl is on this earth?

this is unfinished. but i will continue when i've got some more time.