journal: 3.16.09

today, i had an extensive conversation with food. it was a good talk.
these past three months have been happy, melancholy, exciting, stupid, all these things--but generally interesting. i can't complain i suppose. but, as i sit still and think about things sometimes, my heart just feels that there's an empty hole for some people. partly because i have no idea when i'll set my foot back on American soil. partly because so many things have changed for me--in a dozen varieties of varieties.
how i look @ faith and God. what it means to dream. what it means to be a person. a woman. a friend. and once again a person who is producing something--however paltry that product seems to me.

dreaming. i'm not sure what my dreams are made of anymore these days. i think i have a clue. i have things that make my heart bleed and cause my eyes to water, but damnit!--the world is such a messed up place these days, and it's overwhelming to think about the mountains of garbage that need to be attended to.
and i'm so privileged. why? i'm so isolated from the worst of most of all of the crap. i have higher level education, i speak English, i can think on my feet, i can force myself to put my fist to a clock and do the 45 hour/week thing. these things allow me to have some kind of job--unlike many many worldwide right now. i know i'm fortunate. i can generally be unconcerned about money or unemployment.
but, sitting @ a desk, interacting w/ my computer all day has once again reminded me how much i need human contact and again and again--to do something purposeful. something that causes a stirring for me. i know that God made me a certain way, w/ certain skills, abilities, et cetera, i just have no idea what to do w/ myself. these skills feel completely useless these days.

and i can be a raging pessimist at times. the same old demons.
but no--not here. i won't go into all of that all-too-personal explication here and bore people w/ my mountains of garbage. i see those demons now--i know their names and what it looks like when they chase me down. this unrelenting and impossible chase--always running for so many years. but when i finally saw them for what they actually were--actually stopped to examine them, they seemed somewhat less frightening. although, some of them still scare the hell out of me and i've been picking up a few new ones here and there. i know it's always a process, but i wonder what i'll look like when all the extraneous is burned away.

i guess, amidst all of the intense emotions and chaos and drama and all of these questions about what's what, where am i going, what am i doing, and all of those why-the-hell-did-i-just-do-that?-moments--
today, i really just want to just crawl across the floor, put my head in my mom's lap, and listen to her tell me she loves me while she strokes my hair.