once. just once.

a heart breaking mistake. why do i always have to learn things in this heart breaking way?
i think i had prided myself in actually being smarter than to do certain things, but apparently, i've got as much dumb ass in my system as the next overly educated idealist. this was probably apparent to anyone who's read any of my earliest blogs, but hell!--much of that had to do w/ flights of bullshit fancy rather than actual plans to realize any true self-degradation.

this has been a blurring dramatic week that started off by a trip to the hospital then the pharmacy and then two days later getting intoxicated to the point of committing a regretful act that i'm probably going to feel twisted about for a while. i sat trembling in my office today feeling sick and disgusted and cursed at myself all day. yes. this is vague.

i can't believe i'm actually writing about this right now. i'm toying with the idea of not publishing this blog at all--and keeping it hidden w/ a few other secret blogs i've written. but these are the chronicles of the crazy process of my growing process, so i'm going to be honest with myself and anyone reading this. you may or may not have shared a similar experience. it's going to get a little PG-13 folks, so if you can't handle the word sex, please stop reading.

let's get a little more specific. i have now officially joined the teeming masses of the misguided. i have officially had a one night stand. how crass. awful. problematic and degrading and ugh!--i'm feeling nauseous thinking about it. it's not the act itself that is so troubling to me, but moreso the fact that it was me. i don't judge anyone for their indulgences, but i feel really disturbed that i allowed this to happen. this is actually not me. this is against any and everything i value about human relationships.
and huh!--again, Christian girl gone amuck. i know that there is no real difference in the gradations within the Biblical tenets regarding (dare i use the word?) fornication, but even outside of this 'religious' talk, i feel that there is something really base and demeaning to both parties who engage in this way. it's not meant to be this way. God did not make sex to be so misused. i write so openly about this partly to think through it all and partly because i need to get it out there in the world and be humble about my unfortunate idiocy.

i'm a human. i've got those carnal desires that every human being has. this is not necessarily why this happened. why did it happen?
partly because of this damn woman nature of mine. we all want to be considered beautiful and desired and pedestaled as the most amazing treasure eyes have beheld. you want to be that one. seen. that smooth and curvy and incredibly sparkly sexy-as-hell hourglass--just by walking down the street or leaning against a desk or wielding a butter knife. fuckable just because you're so damn pretty.
but still valued.
it's a tricky balance.

i don't think these things are wrong wants or needs. in fact, i believe this is how God made women.
but i fretted and cursed at myself all day; i muttered frustrated and degrading comments to myself at my computer; i sighed heavily over and over and rubbed my temples raw; i pulled on my hair and clenched my fists; i wished i could put on a sackcloth and smother myself in a mountain of ashes.

again. why did this happen? why would i do this to myself? why does anyone do this to themselves?

i was talking to a friend today and feel that she quoted something that i found incredibly profound. 'sin is when we miss the mark'.
we women have those desires to be sparkly and amazing, but sometimes we simply miss the mark. we can see what we want and we approach it w/ all kinds of tenacity and shiny eyeshadow or scheming and perfumes or posturing--whatever--to get our needs gratified. and there are times we accidentally stumble into that unforeseen opportunity for that momentary flash of feel-good. there's that point where you just let yourself fall into it and the momentum carries you down the rabbit hole.
eitherway, when we make any choice that isn't aligned to the way that things should be, we miss the mark. and we often cycle into another mistake and another--in an effort to recover or try to hit our target again. but this turns into a mass of degrading choices that cause deep, bone aching, heart wrenching pain.
then we tear at our hair and sorrowfully spill of a fountain of tears. regret.

and knowing this, already knowing all of this, why did i make this mistake? continue to make these mistakes? damnit. i'm a sinner. fuck. things have certainly changed in the past quarter of a year. and i have the irresistible tendency to learn things in the hardest way possible.

Jesus help me. i cannot compel myself to not do what i want to do. i cannot compel myself to stop myself from doing what i desire, but even though it's not Your way.

outside of all of these things, i learned a maybe superficial but powerful lesson. men want to have sex. and they actually want to have sex with me. they may not behold me as the most et cetera of et ceteras, but i actually am beginning to believe that i might be desirable and pretty enough that many men would want to get into bed w/ me, simply because of my appearance. yuck.
i do NOT want to get into bed with many men. and i will NOT.

so yes, last night. incredibly stupid assinine horrifying behavior, yes.
but i'm joining a club--i should laminate a card and stamp my name on it. officially a lifetime member of the ONE one-night stand club.
ladies, gentlemen--if you're a part of this club, please don't revoke your membership.