journal: 3.5.09

why do i start this? this late at night?
this will be a rant. i apologize. i'll make up for it.

it's almost tomorrow and i know that beginning anything will result in a half pack of cigarettes smoked and incredible lethargy for the first few of my waking hours. well, i guess my job doesn't require that many alert and firing neurons.

but i've been contemplating change.
changes.
lots of them.

everything changes. countries change. culture changes. governments change. world leaders get displaced and people revolt. the economy goes to hell and people lose their jobs.
women, little girls get pregnant. fuck! women get the hell ravaged out them them--all around this little round rock and we sit idly by, sipping our espressos and shaking our heads at the travesty.
damnit. it makes me cry.
i promise to do something.
i promise.

and car accidents. lost limbs. lost lives. this makes me cry too.
i hurt. this hurts.

people get chubby. and skinny. hairstyles change.
my hair was fairly straight until i turned 25, and suddenly it's become a crazy curl under this magnificent magic straight perm. i'm chasin' BigWhig.
paint peels. new clothes get old. even my very even-keeled menstrual cycle of the last 20 years has changed strangely in the past three months.

massive geological things happen. i read an article sometime in the last 164 hours about how the Earth had been some thousands of miles from some 40-yard meteor that circles and cycles around our sun. there would've been catastrophic consequences if there was contact. all we could've done is 'evacuate the area'.
we humans would've had to just get the hell out of the way and then collectively held our breath while speculating what kind of impact this would have in our known worlds.

i say 'worlds' because we exist in our own little self-contained systems, don't we? the slightest changes in our worlds can wreak havoc and insanity. we complain because our gas prices are too high or someone's cells start mutating really bad or we don't have our right brand of toothpaste or someone betrayed us or we broke a bone or bit our tongues too hard.
i mean, i bit it so hard that it bled, damnit. that shit hurts!

this is not to say that these experiences are insignificant--they absolutely are. financial distress sucks. cancer is an unspeakably awful experience as the hand-holder or the hand-held. our minor inconveniences, especially as they are stacked and compounded--this shit can turn hairs gray.
i had gray hairs sprouting everywhere about 7 months back--and now i have no idea where they've gone. i was confused and a little glad for some reason when i saw them. and wondered if they'd stick around. maybe they're still there? i'm really not sure.

but considering all of this movement. this movement that happens everywhichwhere--damnit! it feels absolutely chaotic and frightening at times.

so where does this leave me? all of this change. all of this seeming chaos. sometimes sad.
people change. relationships change. sometimes the subtlest changes make the 'worlds' of difference, no?
sometimes a tiny little blood cell dries up a little and it congeals with a partner who brings along several more partners and travel into the brain. sometimes your hand was too close to something that looked like a blade inside an engine and it turned too sharply before you could blink. sometimes you admit something you shouldn't have admitted and it changes a relationship forever. sometimes you don't want something to happen, and it does, and then you realize that it creates a relief you didn't realize you needed. sometimes you try at something really desperately, longing for something that will never happen.
and sometimes it does.

it hurts. it feels good.
sometimes.

i like to make sense of it. intermittently.
at least there's a burn that you can feel, i guess.

well, i smoked 6 smokes while writing this today.
it burned. but in a tasty good way.
i think.