self hate

i can't sleep. i'm pretty sure i know why. so, i will attempt to write myself asleep.

years and years and years. of absolutely hating myself.
that crazy, all-consuming anger that made me cry frustrated tears
bite through my lip
slam my fists as hard as i could against the bed as soon as i opened my eyes
my soundless screams. endless.
violent smash
shattered glass of the wildly tossed glass bottle
deep, desperate hate

do you know this feeling?

i reflect on these years--these decades of slow, rotting death. but today, i feel peace. i am actually laughing at myself. i am dead exhausted with my life responsibilities, but i feel joy. i don't hate myself anymore. i can't believe i spent so much time in that place. i didn't need to. but i was in a self-imposed cage and couldn't deal with the lie of the bloody pain that escape might cause. i didn't understand how easy it was to unlock the door.
i know--it's not always going to be smooth sailing. clearly. but i don't see the many mistakes i've made in the recent months preceding this entry as failures.
i have mentioned a gradual unlocking of my mind. it's been eons of my demons owning that space between my ears. things really needed to be cleaned up in there.
as i have begun to experience Truth upon Truth, there has been an exponential, cumulative cleansing that has led me into this place. my hard core slips to the brink and back while i've been undergoing this cleansing process makes it all the more powerful that i've finally gotten here.

unfailing Love. i don't always need to question it--because there is no definable answer. it's one of those beautiful mysteries. if there were a clear *reason* for this Love, maybe it wouldn't be so astounding.
and this is true of us humans too. sometimes we just love. we don't know why we do--and we might have every reason not to, but we can't help our hearts from stirring over that person. (this can be unhealthy/twisted, of course, but that's an entirely different matter.) however, i say that this is a glimmer reflection of that huge, metaphysical Love bomb that is continuously exploding around us.
even if you don't hold to the same ideology as i do, don't you wonder why it is possible for us to sometimes love the most unlovable people in our lives?

i don't hate myself anymore. for anyone who can fathom the depth and longevity of that loathing, you would know that this is a miracle.

a leap of faith

i'm overwhelmed.God really really loves me.
i haven't written in almost exactly a month b/c i've been in a state of confusion. my mind has been filled with chaos and crazy thoughts. they have been scattered and illogical and completely schizophrenic. i've been feeling absolutely, completely nuts.

i had the weirdest night last night. i don't want to get into all of the scandalous details, but it was more of the same of my tales of sordid. when i slip, i slip hard. and i stay there for a while b/c i can't stop myself.
but even through this time of slippery mistakes, i kept on getting reminders of God. in the randomly dropped email. or hearing something *specifically* directed towards me in a sermon. i've literally had thoughts roaming my head and had that thought addressed out loud. i got little jolts, and then i've moved on in my cloud of scattered thoughts. but i could sense that He was keeping me in mind.

this morning, i awoke feeling exhausted from my crazy night, but suddenly i was on auto-pilot. i just knew i was supposed to go and pray before church started. i didn't allow myself to think about it too hard about it b/c i knew that i would rethink it and not go. i just set my mind in agreement, even though i didn't understand.
and so i went. and God quietly spoke into my ear, "come. rest. in Me there is freedom. and love."
i couldn't stop the tears. not the weepy kind, but the kind that comes when you hear the voice of someone you deeply deeply love that you've been separated from for a while.

now, i dislike the church body. i have so many issues with church people b/c they seem so crazy. in my experience, they react really strange to anything controversial.
i once mentioned feeling slightly suicidal among a group of Christians. i could hear the crickets. i felt horrified that i exposed myself to people who couldn't even express sympathy.
when i got divorced, most of the Christians i knew avoided talking to me. or if they did, they completely skirted the issue. i was in a ton of pain and felt like a pariah on top of it. granted, they didn't know me very well and had no idea what to say, but it really sucked.
AGAIN: these are my problems as well as those peoples'. but today, i'm choosing to reject the walls i've put up around myself. i feel willing to be vulnerable again.

the people at the church i've been attending these days are wild. every Sunday, i came in quietly and waved away the name tag that they tried to stick on me, but every week they smiled. real smiles. there was an irrepressible joy and i could see it was authentic.
so, this afternoon, i went to pray. and i could feel God moving. and there were a few key moments--a few key interactions that God made happen. and i finally got pushed over the edge.

God wants me here in this church body. when i made that leap of faith--that decision to join this body, i suddenly was overwhelmed by love from all around. i know how strange that sounds, but i was literally covered in a blanket of love. i made eye contact with a few familiars and they just knew something had shifted in my spirit. they marched up and hugged me. God was there. it felt right.

i am at the top of a slide.

God loves the ladies

i really really hate men. i despise them. not all of them, of course, but wow--those roots go deep.
however, i'm beginning to get some healing about that.

i'm kind of on an amazing ride with the Truth. i realize that as we become more aware of what the Truth actually is, we can receive healing because of the confidence we can have in what Reality is.

for ages, i've felt so completely subjugated by men and have had 2 specific inflammatory Biblical passages about women keeping their mouths shut tossed into my face. now intuitively, i knew that God didn't actually want to keep us ladies muzzled, but how can i argue with the Bible? either i trust in its contents or i don't.
and i do trust in the contents of the Bible. God is so real to me and has undeniably met me so many times, i can't turn my back on Him. and it's nonsense to me to simply pick and choose the things that i don't like.

thus, i've always looked at those inflammatory passages as something i didn't really understand, but knew that there was something more. there had to be more. my heart pounds with His call to raise my voice. God loves women and wants to hear ALL of our voices. He wants to hear us sing, and absolutely delights in us as we fully come into our identities as His kids. only then can we use our talents to their fullest potential.

the pastor of the church i go to these days seemed to be a man's man. when i first started going, i was pretty turned off by him because he came off kinda bull-headed at times. he reminded me a lot of the men who have stepped on me in ages past, and i had a hard time sitting through his sermons. however, because God had been so loudly talking to me during the services at that church, i felt too hungry to hear His voice so i HAD TO continue to attend.
it was this pastor--this "man's man" that preached a sermon today about those inflammatory passages and gave them depth and context. and actually, at the end of the sermon, he ended up honoring women, and it brought tears to my eyes. to hear a man--a Korean American man--speak against the silencing of women in the church was powerful for me.

anyway, it's extremely difficult to change a first impression. it's a psychological improbability. however, when the Truth is spoken, healing can occur. so, wow--though i don't agree with everything that the guy says, God has totally been using him to open my eyes to things i only had a vague sense of before.

yes. i absolutely despise men. they fucking suck. but, i'm realizing how this is not right and is absolutely problematic as i live another day, another week, another year. this hate degrades me--it should not be a part of me. the hurts and wounds of the past do not have to define me. inevitably, it doesn't matter what men have done to me. what matters is that i have worth because my Creator has given it to me. as i am trying to embrace my identity and the source of my hope, i feel like i can emerge from this cage of my hate. it seems like a better way to live.

freedom

again. on the verge of tears.
what does it mean to truly be free?
tonight, i met up with a friend and we talked and talked and talked.
i have dark, hidden places that i have allowed almost no one into for years. decades, even. these are things that have caused serious anguish and an endless flow of tears.

why do we hide?
guilt. shame. humiliation.
i'm dirty.

but, this is not true.

my mind is being unlocked. i am becoming more conscious of the Truth. i am realizing what lies have led me to stay hidden for so many years. i am not a total fuck up. i have worth, simply in virtue of my creation.
as revelations have been dawning on me, i feel like i have been awakening. i do not have to keep my head down to avoid judgment. there is no judgment or condemnation, despite my failures.

my Purpose is not at all about any action or inaction. my Purpose is simply to allow myself to be Loved by my Creator--this is much harder than you would think. how strange/broken/corrupted is it that i struggle with allowing myself to be loved?
but i conjecture that many many many people struggle with allowing themselves to be loved. we don't let people in because we are insecure. in a way, we hate ourselves--and being honest about those things is dangerous. vulnerability is risky has hell. we've all been burned. however, the more vulnerable we are, the greater the depth of love we can receive. the life question becomes: just how vulnerable will we allow ourselves to be?
the Life question for me has become: will i agree with God that i am actually lovable to Him?

as i have been moving more in alignment with my Purpose, i have come to understand that i can be honest about my struggles with my loved ones. i can now do this for 2 major reasons:
1) i can see the top of the rabbit hole. i may fail in the process of exiting, but i absolutely know now that i WILL emerge.
2) i am much more than the resume of my misdeeds. and anyway, the opinions of others really does not affect the inherent worth of my being.

i was exhausted by myself this morning, but as i meditated on these principles, my heart lightened. i have begun opening up to the people around me and i am achieving a depth of relief that i never knew was possible. this in turn has made others open up and suddenly i have been glimpsing their cages of pain and wounding.
complete healing is not only possible, we need this healing in order to be free to fully live.
i have pondered the notion of freedom for many years and it seemed a vague impossibility for me. this is simply untrue. i don't have to live in this cage anymore. i have great anticipation that this journey that i've begun will finally kick the shit out of my demons. they deserve a beating.

Day Two

i've taken a step that i didn't think i'd ever do. i've begun confessing out loud. not just in the privacy of my own prayers and in the cover of silence. to a real person--that i don't even know very well.

if it wasn't already clear, i Love Jesus. i know that is confusing to some. and controversial to some. and really cliche to many. but Jesus is really fucking rad. and i'm continuously amazed by what having a relationship with Him means.
the amazing thing Today is how being bonded to Him bonds me to others who know Him as well.
there i was, over slices of pizza with a girl i only met a month ago, and had only exchanged about 3-4 emails with. we kept our conversation light, at first, but suddenly we were at the edge of the precipice of some of my deepest and darkest.
i took a deep breath, put my foot out and have begun falling.

for anyone who's held onto deep, hidden things--for years and years and years... you should know how frightening it is to finally admit things out loud. i've avoided this because of the implications. because of how my life will have to change.
it's hard to say how i got Here. not how i ended up in my personal Hell--that should be obvious. we are all animals that are subject to our instincts for our own forms of *pleasure* and tumbling so far down the rabbit hole that we can no longer fathom where the blue sky is.
i too, have long dreamed of fresh air and singing birds and golden sunlight warming my skin. and i have had moments of Truly tasting and hearing these things, but they always fade into murky memories. losing hold of the edge and sinking back into the mire. forgetting which way is up. time passes quickly.

the "Here" that i'm finding surprising is the soft unlocking of my mind to Real possibilities. yesterday, i said i've been on the verge of tears for the past few weeks. i've made some pretty crazy mistakes that have driven me deeply back into my dark places. but somehow, the sunlight has been reaching me.
it's strange because i have been pretty passive about my approach to God, saving for the conversations i have with Him on my commute and going to Sunday service.
however, i keep on getting that hot undefinable buzzing that covers my head and fills my ears and quickens my heartbeat. and suddenly those words, those memories, and sharp profound Truths surface. and it been filling my eyes with tears. of pain. of gratitude. of wonder.

for decades, i have been an island with a rabbit hole. sinking in and out and rejoicing and weeping. i am so tired of weeping over the same problems. this is not working. so, making those crazy mistakes--crossing that line once last time has finally driven me to this point of confession. out loud.
this is already someplace new. and i believe that there will be more.

Day One

i'm trying not to beat myself up. but, i've been a pretty fallen person for the past few weeks. i am a decidedly weak person who easily succumbs. i've got urges and i'm always responding to them. i generally don't rise above. i am an animal.
i'm a little averse to posting my continual history of failures on the Net, but i've gotta put this out someplace. keeping things in the dark is dangerous.

i've been on the verge of tears for the past 8 days. isn't that strange? why do people intentionally live in a way that causes pain? i'm sure i'm not the only one.

but inside of these failures--some of these tears have not been about pain. some of these tears have been shed because of fresh understandings i have begun to have about the important Things. some powerful God lessons. i realized that when i screw up, God is not disappointed in me. He grieves with me, but He doesn't think any less of me.

i have struggled with this lie for years. it has always taken me a while to come back and approach God after i've made mistakes because i feel so riddled with guilt. i hang my head in shame and feel like i can't come back until i've 'done my time'. when we fuck up with the human beings in our lives, we generally have to give them a cool-down period. we give each other space so that the sting of the mistake can fade. but God is not like that.

He gave me this image: i can see myself as a little girl, with wispy black hair and chubby cheeks. i am sitting on my Father's lap. my focus is on the toy i am inexpertly fiddling with. He is cuddling me really close and kisses my sweaty forehead.
the thing about this image that moves me is the utter tenderness i can see in His eyes. He absolutely adores the little girl in His arms. and even when she squirms and pushes Him away or screams at Him, He is still hopelessly in love with this little girl.

He is NEVER disappointed. even though He knows everything about me. every good and evil thought that crosses my mind. He knows how little patience i have with people. He knows all about my lusts and premeditated bad choices. He understands my chaos and turmoil. He is fully aware of my past and present. He knows exactly what will happen in my future.
if i actually Believe God--if everything in the Word is Truth--if i really am that wispy-haired little girl sitting on His lap, it would IMPOSSIBLE for Him to be disappointed in me. knowing what He knows makes disappointment existentially impossible for God. He can already see me fully restored. i'll be just like Jesus. He already sees me that way.

God knows the course i've been taking in these limited days--making mistakes and constantly returning to my vomit--but He still looks at me with that utter utter love. He's always cuddling that little squirming girl on His lap. no matter what i've done, He always will want to bend down and kiss my sweaty forehead.
why? i have no clue. His love is absolutely ridiculous. but everything inside of me knows that it is the most Real thing in the world.

a blog about nothing

i need to sleep soon. i've got an early Sunday morning hike to get to. it's been a while since i've been on one of these, but my friend from the UK has been in town for the past week--and Sunday hikes were something special we used to do together. plus, it's finally beginning to cool down and the idea of getting out into the clearer air of the mountains is extremely appealing to me.

today will mark Day 5 of my life of asceticism. i made it to Day 16, but then my friend came into town and i decided to throw it out of the window--it was my own excuse and i splurged in grand style. but i paid the piper. you always have to pay the piper, huh?
i've wondered if there's any point for me to be an ascetic--and if i'd ever make it out of the double digits of days, but, there *does* seem to be a point. i feel better, healthier... my mind is clearer, i feel less guilt about ruining my physical body and i have a *somewhat* saner flow to my life. it's 10pm and i feel tired. this seems like it's a good thing. particularly because tomorrow, i'll wake with the sun--and there is something absolutely lovely about the morning.

i counted days. i wondered if i'd make it into the triple digits of ascetic days, and ironically, Day 100 will be my 33rd birthday. on Day 102 i'll be in Malaysia. or Northern Thailand.
i'm currently considering how unwise it is to write about this, particularly because i'm a weak individual who is terrible at keeping commitments--but... well, who gives a shit? these promises are to myself. and possibly God.
i guess i'm writing because it's just nice for me to keep a record someplace. eventually i read these archives over, and sometimes i learn something from them. or i get to cringe at my childish meanderings and then shrug--simply happy to be a little 'further along'.

i'm reading Murakami's running book right now and it's exactly the right book for my state of mind. pain is inevitable, but suffering is not.
i'm definitely feeling some pain.
i've had a headache for the past 21 days. i can't be sure if it's the acute bronchitis i contracted, the strange sleep i've been getting, the fact that i've quit smoking, or any of the other lifestyle changes i've made. but, more and more i'm realizing the distinct limitations of this frail form. i'm patently sensing how stability and structure and order really produces/increases/encourages longevity in my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. i'm a fucking robot, huh?
but, there it is.
though there is something constraining about regular sleep, diet, exercise, and socialization/scheduling--this seems like it should create more flexibility during my waking hours in some ways? though lately, i've been feeling like i'm in a box--socially, intellectually, and spiritually:
socially, i've really just gotten sick to death of people and have not been going out at all. i'm just not up for dealing with demands or trying to look pretty or flatter someone. but also, you can't be an ascetic and be social. it makes people uncomfortable. plus, i personally can't stand being around cigarette smoke right now. this puts a hedge around my options.
i'm also worried about the intellectual side of my mind these days. i feel like my brain has been addled by a misspent youth and i literally have trouble recalling simple things, much less keep track of my schedule. i've been absent-minded and very laissez faire about things that used to cause me much more issue. at the same time, i've rediscovered my love for books and have been burning through an average of 2-3/week--so, i'm not sure if that means my brains are ok? or... maybe it's a problem with my sleep... i've been falling sleep when "normal" people normally do, but i have been waking up at 2-3-4 in the morning for no reason. whenever i awake these days, even if i'm tired, i yearn for the sunlight. the sunlight makes it more likely for it to be the time i should sit up and begin moving. there is something unsettling about wide-awaking at 3am.
on the spiritual side... i've just got a lot of questions. i'm not questioning the larger cosmological/existential issues, but rather, i've been teasing through the questions of: so, what now? and how?


anyway, that's enough of nothing for now.

relate to me

it's nearly 2:30am on a Friday night. i just finished inputting about 50% of the progress reports that i had to finish for my 30 students, and i'm wide awake. my dear friend is sleeping on the floor beside me, completely knocked out from all the academic hurdles we've had to bound over for the past 3 weeks. we're nearly to the end of this crazy Summer camp and hell--we're counting down the days for this to be OVER.
i'm ready for the Summer to come to a conclusion so that i can regain a semblance of normalcy. but actually, i have no idea what that is. in fact, once this Summer's over, i expect that my world might feel like it's been turned inside out.

a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks that've tested the limits of my patience in addition to stretching me out as a person. i'm realizing what a selfish person i can be, concurrently with realizing that i've become an overly(?) independent person. this has been highlighted to me as i've been living with one of my closest friends in close quarters. it's been odd having her here--always having another's presence to mind, never feeling fully *alone*.
i realize that even though i've craved the alone time, actually having someone to come home to (or with, rather--because we work in the same office) hasn't been as wildly suffocating as i thought it would be. i still don't relish the idea of ever having to live with anyone, but i'm not as staunchly against the idea as i was before her arrival.

but there has been a relational break-down with another close friend, who i just didn't have the energy or fortitude to fight with. last week, i had felt pretty put off by her and scratched our conflict's surface the following day, but i never finished addressing it because there hadn't been adequate time/opportunity to do so. i just figured that we'd work it out when i had some time to think and breathe.
unfortunately, when i scratched the surface, she felt wounded and the sore grew into a festering pus-filled mess for her. i should've realized that she would be thusly affected, but my busyness and exhaustion and angst made me feel more selfishly invested in taking care of myself, rather than looking to her needs. it's a bit of a no-win situation for one of us--and i realize that maybe it should be me. i know i shouldn't have to cow-tow to anyone, but given that i'm probably more emotionally and socially aware than she is, it's more my responsibility to try to be loving and more forgiving and self-sacrificial than she.
she's been driving me nuts these days, but i think it's because we have both become more emotionally invested in our (newer) friendship--along with this type of scenario, conflicts will/must arise. it's odd though, because i usually do not have these kinds of conflicts with my friends. usually my friendships are much more even-keeled. conflicts are reasonably discussed over coffee or drinks or dinner--and more often than not, things are talked out before they actually become a full-blown conflict.
sigh. why are some people so complicated?

this Summer, both of these relationships have highlighted how *overly* independent i've become. i dunno--i've become a pretty damn independent person. i like to do most things alone. i need hours by myself a day otherwise i begin to feel demanded upon. i don't like to travel with people. i've stopped making new friends in Seoul because i'm sick of the 'getting to know you' conversations and dealing with fucked up personalities or the disappointment of losing someone back to their home country.
whenever i meet someone with even the slightest hint of neediness, i back way the hell back and hope to blend into the wallpaper when they're around. i've got a messed up contemptuous attitude towards neediness--i figure that if: ME, of all people, can learn emotional and social independence, why can't everyone else?
however, i'm beginning to wonder if my "independence" is more of a self-protective measure so that i can never feel disappointed by people. i just stay away from those whom i can sense will probably let me down (in some way or another) and keep things light and surface level with the other amicable people i meet. if you're a new person to me and happen to do something sloppy or shady: i don't really give a shit. i couldn't really count on you because i didn't really have any expectations for you anyway... and, you have no right to expect anything from me either.

is this selfishness?
is there a such a thing as "overly" independent?

i'm worried that i've developed some fucked up ideas about how to relate to people.

well, i'm staring at this computer screen through my smudged glasses, and my friend has just complained about me keeping the light on. because i love her, i will sign off for now.
i've got many things to ponder on. for now, in the dark, i suppose.

bloody Sunday

at what point can a person claim the title "Fool"?
[yes, i know... i too hate my own self-deprecation and wholeheartedly see the irony of that]
i am pondering: how many times can a person can learn something and then forget it and then re-learn it and then forget it--before truly deserving the title of Master of Foolishness?

but, here it is again, something that i've learned before, forgotten, then relearned again today. i don't know how many times i've learned this particular lesson. but well, to err is human, but to forgive, divine, yes? i must apply this forgiveness to the forgiveness of myself as well.
i don't give up. i can't. won't. for me, it is far better to bite my lip in humiliation, brush the detritus from my bleeding wounds, then rise back to my feet.
forgiving one's self is extremely difficult for a certain population of us humans, isn't it? i know this is an obvious question, but Self-Loathing is a very real experience for me. she has been one of my very favorite demons for decades. but i hope, for myself and the other Fools out there, when we re-learn--when we re-forgive--we also integrate a little something extra.

thus, i am sitting here, uncomfortable, with a headache and itchy skin. i feel weak and fidgety. this is a terrible combination of physical discomforts. i am also experiencing waves of peace and panic as i consider the unknown. it is a scary place.
but the common, the unchanged, the gaze upon my own reflection in the mirror and immediately forgetting what i look like--this is much worse than my trepidation and achy flesh. i am going pray while i continue to sit here, the Master that i am, hoping to push through my jitters and finally have this title fall from my shoulders.

better to run. scream. dance. tear at my hair. breathe. laugh. rest. sing. cry.

lather. rinse.
but this time, let me reel clean off the edge.

Taw

i've been pushed to the limit and have coped in pretty unhealthy ways...
the Spring transitioned into Summery monsoon and we are now moving into late Summer. i'm now officially halfway through a Summer camp as head teacher/coordinator, and of course, i'm utterly *exhausted*.

i'm sure it's annoying to continue to read my repetitive plaint: ugh! i'm a fucking mess. i feel especially bad today because i recently got reallyREALLY good news, but nullified the goodness of that news within 164 hours of receiving it.
but, that's not what i want to talk about tonight. i'm a mess, but God is really good to me.  He still meets me, and chooses to call me His daughter. i don't understand this. why does God give me chance upon chance upon chance?

despite the fact that i have once again made a bad choice that has put me right back into peril--despite the fact that i dodged a bullet, only to run back into the gunfire, i know my Redeemer lives. and He is active in my life.
this makes me feel weak. with gratitude and a hope for something better.

i had arduously plodded through chapter 119--the longest chapter in the longest book of the collection. i've been pretty lazy (avoidant?) about keeping up with my reading and reflection. i have a hard time reading upbeat exclamations of praise when i'm not doing so well. i know that's shitty and speaks to how messed up i am as a person. however, the thought that the writer closes up this helluva long chapter with is: "I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant, for I do not forget your commandments."

this was very comforting for me to read. i felt a little less alone in my astray-ness. i know i'm crazy. and neurotic. and tend to be insecure about the value of my personhood for much of my waking existence.
and the next part is also that i never forget Him. i can't. not after knowing what i know. and experiencing what i've experienced.
i also know i can't actually bring lasting change to these things without God's help.
i had a moment of thankfulness as i read that verse. God used that writer to speak to me when s/he put quill to paper--or whatever they used back in those days.
these glimmers of Grace, despite the brokenness of my existence remind me about what Love is. and there is nothing more True or Real about Who i really am. This is what gives me value.