away from the dark and into the night

alright. i feel pretty unstable, but i've leveled out some.

yes. i am a totally fucked up human being. i have made unspeakable mistakes that have not only hurt myself, but have also hurt others. it's horrible to think of what i am--that i can no longer say: "i've never..."

in some ways i wonder if these crazy life paths that i've ended up on have the greater design of forcing me to let go of any possible judgmentalism. everyone has a story. everyone who commits any kind of "anything" has done it because they were coming from *some*place. this is NO justification for doing wrong--but, i'm chagrined to admit that i've looked down upon people who've done "this" and "that".
how could they...?! i've asked/exclaimed. and now... i understand. i have been understanding.

will/should i beat myself up for my sins? well, i have been--but, it's really a waste of time. i can't make different choices. time cannot be reversed.
i know that this is in no way a new concept, but hell--the inexorable movement forward is a reality that we tend to face when we're at our ends. the extremely amazing and extremely terrible things that happen--to us and because of us.
i can only try to rectify the damage i've caused to myself and others, and pray for forgiveness. and NEVER EVER do "that" again.

this all being said: i feel incredibly fortunate right now for Life. rhythm and sweaty-all-night-dancing is keeping me sane. it's oh-so-good that i can learn something new, get good at it, and revel and enjoy how amazing it makes me feel.

so, current life assessment: i have dancing. and Jesus. and i'm just starting my weekend.

i am really fucking fortunate.

versus

so, i know where the paths lead me, but hell... i'm feeling a little self-destructive now.

i did this last year as well. i made a mistake and then dove into the dirt of the rabbit hole.
and reveled in the pathetic-dark-oozing pleasures of selfish gratification.
this is because i felt like: i've completely fucked up. i might as well dance out these morbid-beautiful patterns and satiate my desires. then try something different after the waaaay-after the fallout has settled.

i'm conflicted. the dam has burst, and sealing up the hole and cleaning up the hill of devastation seems too painful and humiliating and exhausting to consider. so do i begin sliding down this slope? that easy, slick, quick, exciting fairy-tale fall downdowndowndown....

down?

knowing me. probably not. but, i'm beginning to get to that place.
where i forget who
me is.

a vague map

lost.
how quickly and how suddenly that can happen. and how scary and disorienting this is.

i've spent another week at the office working my arse off, and then another weekend dancing into the early morning hours. while the sun hits the horizon, i make that exhausted trudge up to the top of Veggie Hill. my current place of Seoul residence.

this morning, after i was awoken by a friend's phone call in the near afternoon, i felt dizzy and confused. slowly rising and moving around my apartment... i found dishes piled in the sink and bits of detritus all over the floor--i haven't swept it in a few weeks. the garbage cans were overflowing. my shoes were in a haphazard pile of disarray at the front door. my clothes from Thursday and Friday nights were crumpled into a sweat-stiffened pile at the foot of my bed.
i felt unbalanced.

i should've noticed this happening, but i always notice too late.

whenever my place gets to this point of chaos, *something* is off. i let too much happen in certain arenas and then i end up neglecting others. and then i fuck something up. and i literally get *sick* because i'm physically spent.
if i could just catch myself...
if i could just notice that i need a day off and be realistic about my limitations.
if i just decided to stay in and reorganize/reevaluate, REFLECT, and take care of myself--i wouldn't be forced to by my bad decisions.

Spring fever did me in last year as well--and i ended up being pretty messed up by the heart of the summer, and then thru the end of the Fall. come Winter, i shut myself away from people for about 2 months until i went to Indonesia and got recharged. i don't want to do that again. i don't want to live in this vicious spin of super highs/lows.

so here it is. a cross-roads. and this time i have a vague sense of what the map looks like.
now for the hard part.

flawed.

holy shit.
i am a flawed human being.

it's crazy. the longer you live, the more likely you are to commit that action that you swore you'd never do. at least that seems true to me. i can't believe myself.
it's always this crazy cycle: i'm doing ok. better than ok. and what is Real is clear. and doing what is Right is easy. and happiness ensues. as does hyper-dom. and then i stop paying attention. i get pulled into the blurry land of compromise--which isn't so bad at first. but then, i make a wildly inappropriate mistake. FREAKS ME OUT. and then i feel lost.
i feel lost again right now.
i know i'll be ok eventually--this is life. there are very few irrevocable mistakes... but... i've been trying not to think about my sins, 36 hours prior to this moment, but damnit. it's a pretty big mistake.
this is something that i feel like i must take with me to my grave. no more details on this for now, except that i am a fucked up, selfish person.

photos from Bali

this video doesn't have any kind of continuity b/c i didn't have time--but, i realized how close i was to finishing it when i got home yesterday and decided it was time to just put it out there. there were too many awesome things that happened during my time on this island to be explicated in a blog post--but here are some pictures that tell some kind of story.
anyway, it was amazing.

Bali photos

the hours in a day

if not at 11:41pm on the eve of yet another FULL day of teaching, then when?

it's been an incredibly long time since i've last written anything here. well, it might not actually be, but it certainly feels that way. i've been teaching university students and i ABSOLUTELY loveLOVElove it.
and i'm completely consumed by it.
and i'm utterly wasted, dead tired almost all the time.

time moves too fast on this job. though i'm only teaching 16 hours (Monday thru Thursdays), i easily spend 40 hours at the office. this is not to mention the homework i grade when i get home and the lesson planning i do on the weekends. there is always *something* to do. somethingsomethinganythingeverything--and i can't seem to turn off my brain until at least 3am.
four to five hours later, i resentfully hit my alarm clock and chase down the tasks that seem to race just a little ahead of me. i can barely catch sight of those tasks by 11pm--and THEN, my Type A personality makes me ponder the wisdom of just pushing forward through those last 120 quizzes to pass/fail so i don't have to grade them--*sometime later*. like while i'm sitting next to that sleeping ahjusshi on the subway tomorrow morning. or on the slightly greasy table of the ddukboki place in my neighborhood while eating a late dinner.
i'm hit by intermittent waves of dizzy-weary sometimes-satisfaction.

why the hell would i enjoy this?

i love seeing that suddenly light go off in his/her eyes when i explain something in a way that makes sense. this seems to happen at least once in a class. it's really pretty great.
but, you need the perfect storm of factors to all coalesce to make that moment happen: fairly bright students. a relatively calm classroom where most students are attending to you. an interesting explanation/example/conceptual explication of *some* point. some investment. the right blend of humor, charm, personality, and intimidation--and then *bing*. those two girls in the fourth row get it. and so does that row of guys sitting behind them--[or are they just pretending to get it because those two girls are wearing ultra short skirts?]

i also love that i'm *doing* something. that the students give a damn--if solely for the dangling carrot that is an A or A+.
i relish that fact that i feel exhausted after a day of working. i feel exhausted because something is getting accomplished.

HOWEVER, time is a slippery, mossy rope--and i worry that i'm letting it all pass too quickly. it's already the end of March--which is a quarter through the year. how did that happen? there were so many things i wanted to do this year.

well, i'm doing some of them. i did quit smoking. i'm taking a salsa class (i'm going to get good by summer!). i'm only spending time with people i reallyREALLY like and care about.

i've gotta get back on the writing.
and the ukulele playing.
and the sleeping.

9 weeks in

most of the time i feel calm and chilled out, but occasionally i am pummeled by waves of manic annoyance.

i want to rip my hair out. or bite through my cheek. or put my fist through a door.

yes. it's been a week and i've stayed smoke-free.

i know i've been gaining weight because my appetite is no longer being suppressed by nicotine. SIGH. i deserve this, i suppose. but, this is worth it. i'm so tired of being tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually--and quitting those fuckers is part of the cleansing process.

this is not to say that i've been a pristine saint, but this does mean that my determination for *another way* has been retained. these new shoes are no longer so new and the shine has been scuffed--but they are beginning to feel more comfortable as i'm wearing them in.

the Lord is my Shepherd, and hell, i do fucking WANT, but He's leading me by those quiet, still waters.

for once, there is some longevity in this season of restoration. i finally have some measure of peace.

i've been getting used to my new apartment, my new job, and this new perspective. i feel infinitely grateful for where i'm at.

i've been reading Psalms since the beginning of the year, and i've been seeing date markings in the margins. these pen scratches are from right before i came to Seoul in 2008. seeing those dates has made me smile; i can clearly remember my homeless crashing period on my friends' plush green couch and how uncertain and chaotic (though lovely) that time was. i remember my studious markings on that onion skin while curling up under a panoply of blankets.

this is nutty for me to consider, but, there it is: my 29 year old finger dipping into the soft, wet concrete of 2008. what a different person i was back then. what a completely different place in life. my expectations and sensibilities were completely unaware of this person that i would become. the places i would go to. the many lifetimes i would live while i began etching out a place for myself on this planet. or maybe i was finally letting myself be etched. i'm not sure.

it's not that i wasn't a person before i came to Seoul, but my development was undoubtedly stunted by the paths i chose to walk on when i was still a very young adult. i've looked at these past (nearly) 3 years since my separation from my ex, and it's incredible how much my direction has been altered.

again. i am infinitely grateful.

i am grateful that i am out of a relationship that made me passionless and exhausted. i am grateful for the many travel opportunities that i've had during my sojourn outside of the States. i am grateful for the chance to grow and develop in some profound ways (to me) and being able to see specific, positive changes. i am grateful that i'm finally beginning to taste and feel and hear and smell and touch Real things.

God is amazing. He truly is. since i began following Him in an authentic way, i haven't had any regrets. sure, there have been difficulties and mistakes and heartbreaks. there has been disease, poverty, and all manner of delicious pleasures that left me feeling empty. but the process of trusting and loving God has led me to a place where i can always find contentment. isn't that actually what the elusive "Fountain of Life" is? not-so-much the water that keeps you forever-happy and young; but, despite bruised and bleeding knuckles and a broken body, you can hoist yourself onto the Rock and actually find peace and rest.

i'm tired and it's only around 11pm. i've been unable to get my brain to stop working before 3-4am since Christmas Eve. i am ready to sleep at a decent hour. and also for this, i am grateful.

balancing those lemons

it is way too late on the eve of my first set of school meetings for my new job, but i am writing now because i cannot foresee the next time i'll get a chance to.

it's been a wild ride, these past 27 months in Korea. i can't believe how much i've lived since i've gotten here. there have been so many shifts and tweaks and changes in direction.

one of my closest friends from Chicago has come to Seoul 3 times since i've been living here--and of course, we have long discourses about *everything* whenever she's around. there are significant changes each time i get to discuss the important things with her. i know that she longs for us (me and other close friends who've moved here) to come back "home", but, with each of her visits, there is an increasing amount of permanence and stability in our Seoul lives. i am now the grudging owner of washing machine, refrigerator, and stove top. i've got a bed, a couch, bookshelves, and a heavy dining table in my ownership. i just signed a 3 year contract for internet services. sigh. i have mixed feelings about all of this. i didn't necessarily want this. i certainly didn't expect this.

owning appliances was where i came from, and i had made a semi-promise to myself that i wouldn't go back to *that* place... however, this time, it just felt right to head into this direction. i actually made these choices.

i'm 32, going on 33 in December. it's a weird place to be. there are things i'm told i should be thinking about--like investing into my future: career, retirement, romantic relationship, and what-have-you. but all i can think about is investing in my personal growth and my relationship with God. no doubt, there is a twinge of loneliness when i think about the fact that i don't have a warm body to sleep next to, or someone who thinks *of* me all the time...

as it is, i wonder how many days i would have to go missing before anyone would notice--and then how many days without me before people would actually become concerned. i'd say... a week and a half?

it's funny, because the person i'm probably in the most consistent contact with is my younger brother--and he's all the way on the other side of the world in Washington, D.C. in the past week since i've been moving into this apartment, i didn't have a Net connection and was too busy/tired to go find one at a cafe during all the packing and unpacking and rearranging. blah.

there were 2 people who sent me inquiries because they know how well-connected i usually am to the Net and were confused because they hadn't seen me. it warmed me to be thought of--that my absence left an idiosyncratic gap in their lives that only my *person* could fill. this love from my loved ones and my Lord feels like it's completely enough, for now.

let me examine this romance thing, yet again.

why the hell can't people believe that i actually like to being single?

i've spoken of singlehood often in the past 27 months, and i've had my waves of dis/comfort with this status.

however, for the past 3-4 months, i've felt steadfast in my joy as a single woman.

my mind gets all jumbled/confused and my volatility becomes even more intense when i'm dating or putting myself on the market. plus, i become a nympho when i'm actually getting sex, and that isn't a healthy place for me to be. i realize that i can't pull back (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) once i've gotten to a certain point, and i really can't afford to waste myself on just anyone anymore. sooo, because it seems fairly unlikely i'll find someone to fit my unrealistic list of 'must-bes', i just want to hold onto my satisfaction with my life as it is.

additionally, i know i'm a mess. i've got some serious existential and emotional problems to work through. i can't imagine bringing someone into that insanity. i've been able to bat down the typical desires that come along with being a relationship and my libido has finally responded to all of the cold showers. i just need to work on *myself* right now.

i bring this up because while i was traveling, i had propositions from 4 different men who were interested in me--it was pretty flattering. 3 of them understood what i was getting at when i started talking about being divorced and not wanting to be involved with anyone. the 4th, however, just sent me another strange email that alluded to some kind of future for us. DAMNIT. that really kind of ticked me off. how many times does a woman have to say 'i just want to be friends' before she has to cut him off? i don't want to hurt his feelings, but HELL.

is it impossible for a woman and a man to have a deep, platonic friendship? of the 4 men, i really connected with 3 of the 4 of them. however, when i started sensing that they were beginning 'think' something, i put up a detour and things cooled down quickly--even on the platonic level.

however, this last guy... i wonder if i'm being unrealistic to think that we might be able to be friends. in response to his email saying something about the 'future', i sent him one last email using capital letters. we'll see if our tenuous friendship can survive that. then, i suppose we'll see.

it's hard to believe how unstable i was when i first got to Seoul, but it's good that i've finally achieved a small measure of grounding.

it's hard to believe how many fucking mistakes i've had to make to learn a few, obvious lessons. i am one stubborn bitch. this is a terrible quality while i'm feeling self-destructive. however, my stubbornness doesn't seem so bad now. at least my feet have found something to balance on, you know?

2011 is a good year

it's 1am and my last night in this apartment. i'm surrounded by boxes and dust bunnies and filled with lots of contemplation about these past few years and the uncertain future.

a childhood friend died of cancer last month. i felt a deep sense of grief when i received the news. Seung was survived by a wife and two kids--the youngest was only 6 months of age when he was buried. his passing made my own health issues seem ever-more real and slightly more frightening. i had a chance to look at pictures of him and his family and my heart ached when i saw how gaunt Seung's face and body had become in his last few months.
it doesn't seem "fair", i guess. he was such a kind-hearted person. and i can say that he was truly a person that was made out of integrity. i grew up with Seung from elementary school through high school and intermittently saw him while i was at university. i remember his sardonic wit and no-nonsense attitude. he used to tease me about my bad perms and rough-house with me and the other kids on the 2-acre lot of our home church. he was my brother.
my mouth got dry when the pictures reflected his suddenly skeletal face, and i wondered if all of my joking around about my personal mortality would eventually become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

i'm reflecting upon this today because i've committed this year, 2011, to change and development. growth. i've stumbled and fucked up a few times already, but, i won't be dissuaded by failures this time. we're coming towards the end of the 2nd month of this year, and i can't believe that i'm still feeling locked into the commitments i've made to myself and God.
in the past, if i had been sentimental enough to make New Year's resolutions, i'd have already been exhausted by working SO hard to maintain them by the end of week 2. by month 2, i'd already be drowning in a pool of broken promises and eschew changes/development for another, more realistic time.

but, i've wasted so many years saying "next time", and now, i'm *through*. i'm certainly not through making mistakes--but, i'm through being dragged down by them. i'm still inordinately excited about what is to come. i *don't* know what that is, but i feel very reassured by my identity these days.

i can pursue my passions and interests and not necessarily need to see a return in them to feel satisfied--*that* kind of satisfaction is so temporal, anyway. it's nice to know that i can receive joy in simply being who i am. i want to more fully be who i was created to be.
i'm still figuring that out, but today--this day of boxes and dust bunnies--is a gift that was granted me to live and try to fulfill that purpose a little more. there is a reason i still breathe.

Seung, i don't know if you can read blogs in heaven, but if you can, your awesome example encourages me to keep on keeping on.

into 2011 and into Indonesia

so far, 2011 has been absolutely amazing.
there is something a little bizarre about me feeling this way, because i recently got some crazy health news--ironically, this news came just days after i had definitively made the lifestyle choices that would've made the testing unnecessary, had i chosen to be wiser sooner. however, it is what it is. pretty severe. pretty serious. but, pretty meaningless.
i'm through the erratic emotions phase of this bad News and i only occasionally stumble into the depression pit about it all. at the end of the day, i feel pretty awesome.


yesterday, i had a sleep-over with one of my girlfriends--a night filled with some deep conversation, junk food, laughter, tears, and story-telling. here's a moment that brought brought on a chagrined smirk:


me: you know my stories, M___. i sometimes feel a little pissed about the path of my life. really... why the hell do these things happen to me?
M___: i know. i don't know. but you're handling it all pretty well.
me: (half-smile) well, i've calmed down and gotten some perspective... it's funny because the few people i've talked to about this keep on telling me "you'll be ok. you'll be ok."--i know i'll be ok. (laughing) i'm pretty sure that they're mostly saying that so that *they'll* feel ok.
M___ laughed with me. then after a pause: do you mean you think you'll get better? or are you being more philosophical?
me: philosophical, of course... i've had 3 pretty fucked up things happen to me in my life--and i personally don't know many people who've been through one, if not more than one of these things... but it's not like my life is bad--i cannot complain about anything. sure, i've experienced pain, but i've received a ton of blessings.
M___: well, people get scared when you get too philosophical about permanent things.
me: like cancer and dying and all that shit?
M___: (shrugging) that scares people.
me: i know. but i'm not scared--i haven't been scared of that kind of thing in the more recent years... because really: who can number their days anyway?
M___ broke off a piece of an oatmeal cookie and handed it to me: well, i'm ready to go, whenever. well... not whenever--but whenever i'm done doing whatever i'm supposed to be doing on Earth.
me: that's exactly how i feel. who can know what happens tomorrow? or the next day? or the next month? (i nibbled on the cookie. it was good.) really, the DPRK could bomb us tonight. or, i could slip down the stairs and bust my head open. or, i could get hit by a car or something.
M___: (she burst out laughing) Mary, you've already been hit by a car.
me: (eyes widened, i shook my head) you're right. exactly right. i had forgotten about that.


so, what the hell can i do about anything? my destiny is not within my control. not really.


i can certainly make certain choices that results in a list of givens. i can choose to ride my bike, rather than walk. i can choose to stay on this side of the street, rather than crossing; i can ride slowly or quickly or ring the little bell that alerts that old man that i'm about to pass.
but, i can't control how fast that car was speeding down the alley, nor the direction the driver was looking when i was crossing his path. i can control that his mind was distracted by the argument he had with his wife that morning, nor the fact that he was late for work for the 2nd time that week.
i could not force my will upon how hard he pressed the gas pedal as he accelerated into my bike, nor how far it tossed me into the busy street. i couldn't stop from gasping when i hit the ground or stop the asphalt from biting into my hand.

however, i was able to stand up, brush the grit from my jeans and hands, and glare reproachfully at him because my shin had been bruised. i was able to grasp his shoulders and roughly tell him to be more careful when driving his shiny Benz.

i was able to ride my bike away from him to school, before i was late for my first class.

i can't control where my life goes, but i can try to connect and love people while i'm wandering the planet. traveling isn't easy, per se, but not having to daily grind helps me to be more aware/appreciative of the infinite value of the people who're breathing the same air as me.

while sitting on the sunny, smoky bus from the Ijen Volcanic Complex to Banuangi, Java--i felt a measure of sadness at the many people who begged for rupiah at every stop we took. the poverty is too pervasive for one person to change, but i bought some overpriced oranges from a gal who plopped onto the seat next to me, smiled, and coquettishly implored me in Bahasa. the uniformed school kids laughed because i could only speak from 1-10 in their tongue. an older woman looked at me suspiciously while i peeled an orange, but then smiled widely when i offered her some. sometime after this exchange, a young man and i spoke about what i should see and eat while i was on Bali for the following 9 days; we shared a clove cigarette while we talked.